Rush Poppers, Gordon Ramsay and Why We Deserve Better

The red tops have recently been full of the latest Ramsay outrage; a tiresome spat between Gordon Ramsay and his father-in-law. The "hooligan chef" who parades his half baked ideas about gastronomy, and fully formed aggression, in telly land seems to court controversy. In 2008 The News of The World gave a insight into this enfant terrible's lifestyle and perhaps the seeds of this latest debacle:

The News reported on a tryst in an expensive hotel where Ramsay met Sarah Symonds and followed her as she made a rush for Soho: "She left and travelled to Soho where she spent ten minutes browsing a sex shop called Simply Pleasure. She spent £10 on three small yellow bottles of amyl nitrate, branded Rave and Rush. Amyl nitrates, also known as poppers, are not illegal". (James Weatherup & Carole Aye Maung, 23/11/2008)

Being a simple fellow I thought poppers were some kind of popcorn, apparently not. Rush is in fact a peculiar form of liquid incense used in certain intimate rituals it seems. Apart from his potty mouth and ability to enrage genuinely talented folks like Marco Pierre White, why is this individual so beloved by TV producers? The answer is there if Britain cares to look. It is the same reason why prime-time telly is dominated by trashy confrontational junk like The X Factor - a showcase for rows and discord. These programmes, like Ramsay, feed the red tops with salacious tittle tattle, which boosts viewing, and then allows TV companies to sell ever more expensive advertising. A cosy arrangement you might think, but does it have a cost? Yes, it does! The cost is that a condones a form of unruly behaviour - take a look at the vomit drenched high streets of a Friday night - removes any sense of individual decorum (Ramsay the role model!) and denies REAL TALENT a platform. If you are a great chef with something of value to say, but do not resort to expletives and intimidation, or poppers fueled indiscretion, then what good are you!

Telly land is dominated by crude and avaricious men. The reason for this is the unholy alliance with the tabloids and the independent production companies. These companies are in a downward spiral ever trying to catch the attention of the couch potato with a new outrage. Confrontation sells, that is the message. This permeates TV from from morning to night, ever more angry and divisive. We deserve better and perhaps some of the politicians who bemoan "Broken Britain" should take a look at modern "culture" as decided by the likes of Cowell, Ramsay, and the other cashing in on this demise. No doubt Simon Cowell sitting in a jacuzzi eating Angel Delight, or Gordon Ramsay blinking through the exotic haze of poppers, do not give a damn, you should!

Russell Grant on Celebrity Coach Trip & in Los Angeles

More revelations in the ongoing Russell Grant mystery. It appears that Russell is off to Los Angeles to star in his own show "Russell Grant & Friends" - this is what he claimed when he appeared on Loose Women some time ago. Russell even invited the gals over to the States to appear on HIS show! Strangely there is no trace of the show anywhere yet? I wonder what has happened?

I have never heard of Sean Neilson, but he has somehow managed to get an intreview with the great man. Sam tells that there was a Facebook campaign to get Russell onto Strictly Come Dancing:

We spoke about his fan following and how he loves the people around him who follow his work and life and this was recently confirmed with a facebook group which had been set up to get Russell Grant on “Strictly Come Dancing” on the BBC – although it did not happen

Oh, did not happen...heard that before. The really interesting news is that Russell

is now at the moment currently on “Celebrity Coach Trip” with his amazingly talented and much loved friend Brendan Sheerin

There it is in BLACK & WHITE. Where did Sean Neilson get this info? One must assume from Russell Grant himself:

"Russell popped into my show for a quick chat about what he had been up and my goodness does this man work hard"

So Russell is on Celebrity Coach Trip! Hooray! I have taken a copy of Sean's website just in case there are any revisions - this sometimes happens in Russell's mysterious world of wonder.

See the interview plus a video of Russell Grant talking about astrology and his new show in LA here:

http://seanneilson984.wordpress.com/2010/10/06/its-all-in-the-stars-especially-for-my-friend-russell-grant/

Paul Burling wows in Chippenham

According to a local paper in glamorous Chippenham "dozens" of fans turned out to see Britain's Got Talent celebrity, Paul Burling. Paul was there to open the local Curry's / PC World store in Bath Road - the biggest electrical shop in the Chippenham area!! The smartly turned out staff watch as Paul does his thing...the gentleman on the left sporting the new "half mast" tie - trouser-hip combo seen recently in Paris and Rome.

Celebrity Coach Trip

"Astrologer Russell Grant has been approached by Channel 4 bosses for the new show" claimed Peter Dyke & Katie Begley for The Daily Star on September 16th.

However, according to leaks from Celebrity Coach Trip there is still no sign of him! I wonder what happened and indeed how Peter and Katie got this information? Unfortunately Russell has planned to be on many reality shows "Big Brother"..."I'm A Celebrity" etc but it never seems to happen! I wonder why....I wonder who might be the source of these tabloid rumours? As we all know Russell is a huge star in the firmament of celebrity and perhaps he can't be tempted away from all his other appearances? We, the viewing public, are the ones that are loosing out!

David Van Day and Tony Blackburn have already been booted off and the ghastly Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister are on board somewhere on the continent. Celebrity Cockroach Trip airs in January 2011.

Dine With Debbie – A Magical Touch

Watch out Gordon, Hugh, and others there's a new star in the gastronomic heaven, Paul Daniels' wife.

“Cooking is something I’ve always been passionate about. I’d love to present a cookery show.” says Mrs Daniels.

The lovely Debbie McGee has reinvented herself again! This time it is not an opera company or a talent agency, she is now a "celebrity chef" ...apparently. Anyway her book is out for Christmas and someone is making a TV show as well.

What will Debs be cooking? Looks like Mr Daniels' frugal and "down-to-earth" attitude has rubbed off! It's "Pain avec fromage et pommes" If you want to be posh you should cut the toast into triangles. Bon apetit!

Celebrity Coach Trip

According to The Daily Star Russell Grant was due to appear on the tasteful "Celebrity Coach Trip". However, his name does not appear among the first five:

The Chuckle Brothers - fine fellows actually.

Bianca Gascoigne and Imogen Thomas - who?

Ricky Groves and Alex Ferns - ex Eastenders. The blurb comments: "both have left their characters behind and are now working on other projects" What might that be one wonders: "a stint in the panto Aladdin this Christmas where they'll both be playing the same role but at different theatres" How strange is that!

Friends Carol Harrison and Ingrid Tarrant - Carol is also ex Eastenders (Tiffany's mother) Ingrid is Chris Tarrant's wife. "Ingrid has been to 107 countries" is one of her many claims to "fame"

Raphael 'Raef' Bjayou and Benjamin Duncan - oh well, that's the bottom of the barrel well and truly scaped.

I wonder what happened to Russell, perhaps he will get picked up in a layby outside Stuttgart?

"Celebrity Coach Trip" promises to keep up the usual standard of Channel Four (i.e no standards whatsoever) Coach Trip is one long trite "Don't Drink The Water" 1970's style insult to the intelligence. Sausage making in Germany and other stereotypical nonsense with some old drama queen called Brendan. The usual trippers make Jeremy Kyle's guests look cultured and by the look of it Celebrity Coach Trip will be sticking to that rule.

Paul Daniels in Hollywood

Paul Daniels has been in Hollywood, California. Whilst there he has managed to insult Slovenia (a team from the Methodist Youth Club of a place called Slovenia) Accuse Andy Murray of being Gordon Brown's love child and even accuse the former Prime Minister himself of taking up residence with Al Qaeda:

Why doesn't wee Andy Murray take some elocution lessons to project his voice upwards from that miserable muttering? I listen and grow more and more convinced he is Gordon Brown's love child.

As for Gordon, where has he gone? I suspect that all along he has known where Osama Bin Laden lives, and has moved in with him...

Wee Andy Murray?

Here are some other titbits from his inane ramblings:

Because various negotiations fell through we were lucky to have more days of freedom than we expected.

A lot of our time has been spent wandering along the streets and malls here.

For 45 years I have closed my show with a really good mystery that I developed all those years ago, a vanished piece of paper money turns up inside a walnut that was inside an egg that was inside a lemon. The walnut, egg and lemon routine has always been a real baffler and wraps the show up nicely.

I wonder if they are connected? Walnuts, eggs and lemons may be the ingredients of a tasty salad, but not entertainment in 2010. Put you old walnuts away Paul, sadly nobody wants to see them anymore.

Source: http://thelifeandtimesofpauldaniels.blogspot.com/

Paul Burling in Panto!

Panto season may be a long way off but Paul Burling (Britain's Got Talent mimic act) is planning ahead. Paul has just agreed to appear in the production of Jack and Beanstalk in Chatham, Kent. Because of his exposure on telly Paul is top of the bill this year. Paul has appeared in Chatham panto land five times before in productions of Dick Whittington, Peter Pan, Snow White and the very challenging Aladin.

“I absolutely love doing panto" says Paul.

That's good news then....

Paul Daniels in Hong Kong

Paul Daniels, bald 80s magic man, has been in Hong Kong wandering around the streets and stuff after his show didn't happen. Unfortunately he didn't get to perform, he laments:

I was supposed to do a public show and a lecture and a Master class, all magic of course, but the business side of it, all set up with a promoter, fell through. That's show biz

That's show biz? yes of course it is...what a dreadful pity. I wonder what happened? Perhaps the good people of Hong Kong did not realise who the celebrated panto star was? Had these folks not heard of Wizbit? Their loss I am sure. This didn't stop Paul offering the good people of Honkers his wisdom via his website instead:

this Far Eastern gem has now become part of the Global Greed Economy. Prices were low here, and yet obviously the sellers were making a profit. Bearing that in mind you are forced to believe that other countries who charged more were making bigger profits so I guess landlords thought they could charge more rent.

Yes, that must be it, nothing to do with the fact that the city is packed into a small island with a booming population. Those naughty greedy landlords! Such a shame that Hong Kong is no longer a cheap destination providing bargains for beady eyed wand handlers, isn't it? Paul was pleased to see that there was still bamboo scaffolding though, how nice.

Paul has further immersed himself into the delights of HK via the celebrated gastronomy:

We had a lunch on the balcony of the Pawn bar and restaurant.... (you can get bangers and mash, I had Heinz beans on toast)

Paul has also regrets the passing of other cultural sights:

I missed ogling the girls in their cheung sams. Debbie, knowing that my first girl friend was Chinese, kept a close watch on me, especially when when it became obvious that the girls were looking at me...

Looking at him.. and thinking what I wonder? The remark about his first "girl friend" being Chinese is an interesting one....but we won't go into that I think.

Source : http://thelifeandtimesofpauldaniels.blogspot.com/

Big Brother 2010

The last gasp from a long dead format, Big Brother has arrived with a line up of non-notable horrors. As usual the show is also a platform for F list celeb trainees. Benjamin Duncan is a publicity seeker who has done stunts on other terrible shows before. Keeley Katchadourian, aka Shabby, lesbian squatter with a very high opinion of herself, says she once appeared in Black Beauty etc., According to one poster in The Sun:

Shabby is my cousin, she has a great personality, and has had an exciting life due to her acting caree and life in london.She did lose the part in parent trap to lindsey lohan, and has been in casulty, a bit part in eastenders when she was very young. Shabby has also been in a westend show.

Another eagle eyed poster at The Mirror reports:

Graham is a channel 4 regular, seen him on Kilroy, A Place in the Sun, Embarrassing Ilnesses and Four Weddings along with his wife. Allister was on Ibiza Uncovered

Paul Connolly in The Daily Mail comments "the show attracted the wannabe generation and the producers jettisoned the interesting for the tawdry and plain repulsive" I agree wth that!

Anyway, here is an example of Ben's cringe making "talent" I hope that poor old Leslie got paid for this! Ben Duncan favours small sofas, impertinence, and creating an unsettling atmosphere for guests.



"Posh Ben"seems to have styled himself as a cross between Peter York's caricature Sloane Ranger and Oscar Wilde. Shabby is an archetypal lesbian bohemian with an eye for adoring totty and for the main chance. Role playing by those after publicity and a load of other dregs seeking attention. It should be noted that the very last dying gasp of Big Brother 2010 will include past stars, Barrymore perhaps?

Talking of desperate trainee celebs Paul Burling, naff mimic, is in the lower levels of news chatter. "Sources" claim he may be given a TV show on ITV2. Oh really? "Insiders have suggested that the pilot show could even feature a cameo from Harry Hill"

I wonder who "Sources" and "Insiders" are? Interestingly Paul Burling has claimed to have support from Harry Hill as well as numerous other celebs whose charchters he mimics:


(i) He told This is Bristol ""I was a bit disappointed not to make it into the final three but I've had lots of people say they thought I would have been there. The feedback I've had has been fantastic though. Harry Hill phoned me from Spain, where he was on holiday with his family, to say congratulations.

"At first I thought it was one of my mates mucking about. He was really supportive and said he had been watching me. He said his family had been watching and laughing too.


(ii)"An ITV boss came up to me and said, 'Harry sends his regards from Spain" according to stv.tv

Strange that. Maybe he will get a show on ITV2 and Harry Hill will squander his comic capital on a mimic desperado! Maybe Russell Grant will appear in "I'm a Celebrity" Possible, but like bacon sandwiches at a bar mitzvah...unlikely.

Britains Got Talent 2010 Finalists

Kieran Gaffney - plucky drummer lad who won't give up, limited appeal despite being a fighter.

Spelbound - astonishing talent and it doesn't matter if they win or not (their career path is already there)

Tobias Mead - hugely talented and likeable dancer, impressive change of style in the semi finals. BRITAIN HAS TALENT!

Tina and Chandi - Barbara Woodhouse meets Lassie at the dog pound, not a dry eye in the house. Novelty.

Liam McNally - confident and relaxed manner, amazing voice, down to earth and likeable.

Connected - silly boy band act, money spinner for the promoters, hackneyed and dreadful.

Paul Burling - Hi-de-Hi meets embarrassing drunken uncle, total waste of time. Laugh and you take comedy back to the dark ages of Jimmy Tarbuck and Jim Davidson.

Christopher Stone - desperate bald man from Harrogate trying, and failing, to pull a SuBo. Good singer, last chance saloon complex, staged and unsettling personality.

Janey Cutler - doughty pensioner that makes you realise why we won the war, great voice, unassuming and charming character. A star! BRITAIN HAS TALENT!

Twist and Pulse - edgy duo, peculiar and very brand worthy. The future? Let's hope so.

Father and Son

Janey Cutler and Twist and Pulse, great! Twist and Pulse are an unusual pair and have an edgy kind of friction as well as being unique and very talented.

Talking of weird pairings, tonight was hilarious due to the involvement of the uber naff "Father and Son" Like a cross between Liberace and a long forgotten 1970s sitcom they attained a kind of kitsch rarely seen. They could out kitsch Eddy Wally! What was even more shocking was Father getting miffed about the criticism and blaming the producers. I did not care either for that Brazilian lot with the elephant, their overly enthusiastic lead claiming that they might open the World Cup or the Olympics, ha! You can see this kind of tacky cabaret extravaganza in Asian theme parks.

I cannot make my mind up as to whether I favour Twist and Pulse or Tobias Mead. OK, so it is easy - Janey Cutler should win. The cheerful old trooper giggling like everyone's archetypal granny after too much sherry at Christmas - Britain should give her the crown really.

Vote For Janey Cutler tomorrow!

Paul Burling

Rather like a chicken tikka lasagne from Iceland some things are best left unmentioned. Last nights show surprised me though. I actually nearly enjoyed The Arrangement! I am not sure why they are not in the final as they have come on in leaps and bounds and the audience liked them. The answer is the best not mentioned, Paul Burling; another toe curling performance from this awful oaf. I suppose ITV are pleased as it reinforces the Harry Hill brand, but otherwise it was what it always was, a naff mimic act. Nice to see that Christopher Stone has been giving some business to M&S and has ditched that peculiar shoulder zip jumper, yes he can sing. According to the Mirror he lives alone with two cocker spaniels and is celibate, too busy to find a girl. Pity about The Arrangement, they deserved it more than Burling.

Connected & Neil Fullard

Tina and Chandi rightly triumphed in a lacksluster evening. Another amazing performance from the feisty pair. Connected? What a waste of time! Simon Cowell was definitley thinking with his wallet when he put that hackneyed tripe through. Of course it should have been Neil Fullard! Connected would not have stood a chance on the X Factor so why are they going through? Given the other rubbish on tonight I can see why they got votes, but were they talented? No. Simon said their performance was like "chalk and cheese" the cheese being a piece of stale cheddar that lurks in the back of a fridge. Old style rubbish in a show that is breaking with the past - a pity.

Good luck to Neil Fullard! I hope he does well from his appearance, maybe this absurd decision will be the making of him.

Britain Has Talent - Tobias Mead

A great start! Spelbound and Tobias Mead are both stunning talents. I really think that the TV screen did not give these excellent acts justice. Tobias Mead really did own the stage with yet another original and brilliant act!!

Kevin Cruise put on a good show, and I hope he gets plenty of work. "Chopping wood, chopping wood, chopping as we go" the very best of the real eccentrics! A great show and the right outcome!

Jono Miles of the awful cacophony group The Arrangement has been claiming " we are a bit posh" - frankly I do not think they are. Posh folks do not usually wear ready made multi colour bow ties (they tie their own and they are black) nor pointed pixie Italian shoes with a dinner jacket. ""We can provide weird stepping stones between genres" - what a load of bollocks that is.

Russell Grant

Kitchen Burnout contestant Russell Grant has claimed that he is expecting an offer to appear on "I'm a Celebrity" This seems rather unlikely as he is not a celebrity. The obnoxious pseud also suggested he would find it rather difficult due to his erudite leanings:

" I'm a great book reader and radio fan. I do love a good political programme and stuff on the World Service. On these reality shows, am I going to find anyone to talk to?"

I wouldn't worry about that, you can get stuck into a Barbara Cartland and keep waiting for the phone to ring. Grant also claims that he is about to host a chat show in the US and has three film roles lined up. Before Grant took up the lucrative fortune telling game he appeared in On the Buses.

In other news, the act Othelio - can't really recall what they were about frankly - have been given the boot from Britain Has Talent. The singer Deborah Stephens was "linked to a double murder" according to the BBC. The victims relatives were distressed by her appearance and the show took the view that Othelio should be dropped. Stephens was not involved in the murder of Allan Cunning, 21, and Darren Hall, 20, but allegedly witnessed Michael Maddison murder the two young men with a baseball bat. So being "linked to" a horrific death is enough to be considered unfit for TV? Perhaps that is correct, one can understand the distress that it might cause. Why then is Michael Barrymore still popping up in TV land?

Michael Barrymore Come Dine With Me

The hideous shit Michael Barrymore is back on TV again. This time courtesy of the caviar to potato peelings story that is Come Dine With Me. Watching this show over the years change from something worthy into a stomach churning spectacle has been something of a journey. Tonight Come Dine with Me plunged to new depths with Barrymore at the helm desperately trying to rekindle the fire of his long dead career.

The other folks in the show were irrelevant as Barrymore tried ever so hard to appear like an anarchic comic in the Spike Milligan vein. The story about his love interest has already been exposed by the tabloids as a publicity stunt. I am more curious about that Las Vegas style pile in which he appeared. Come Dine With Me has a history of presenting celebs in other houses - it happened to the lovely Christopher Biggins - I wonder...

Channel Four should be ashamed of themselves for again giving air time to this grotesque and pathetic spectacle of a man. I caught no mention of which charity received the money, it begs the question... why not?

Neil Fullard

Walsh again! However, Neil Fullard is proof Britain has Talent! A great performance! The rest of the evening was sentimental and "contrived quirky" dross unfortunately. I am not sure why the judges chose to make remarks about Neil Fullard's appearance? I suspect we will see Neil in tuxedo and with a big band next time round. Yes, Liam McNally was a good singer and that is about it.

The evening had an unsavoury feel due to the appearance of that pugilistic and annoyingly perky Walsh. Please no more of him! The same can be said of Corey-Sean, the overly confident prance act. The pushy drag queen is hoping that his long lost mum will see him tonight and "I think if she saw me today, she'd be proud." he tells the red tops. "Finding my mum would be even better than winning the show - just to have my mum and someone who loves me." More sob stories instead of talent!

The contrived quirky acts - the threatening singer and the stroppy piano player further added to misery.

Christopher Biggins

Marco Pierre White says he has never heard of most the celebs on his Kitchen Burnout show - because he does not own a TV. Imagine! He' ll miss out on Paul Burlings next act then, which is supposed to contain Del Boy, Tony Blair and Chris Tarrant. Burling has been given odds of 10/1 against Twist & Pulse (20/1)! Perhaps Marco prefers higher culture? the theatre perhaps? How about this offering:

Best Of British Variety Tour 2010

Bradford, Clacton, and Wolverhampton are amongst the exciting venues! The show features Paul Daniels, The Krankies, The Grumbleweeds, Syd Little and Dana. Who could ask for more?

One ray of light is the amusing racanteur and bon viveur, Christopher Biggins. The gargantuan ham that is Biggins will hopefully hold the thing together. "As false as Biggin's laugh" is an old saying in hack circles, however CB has never pretended to be anything other a rather wonderful fluffy national treasure. I wonder how he gets on with Paul Daniels' ego.

David Dickinson - A Little Bitch

A little bitch from the BBC, Denise Winterman writes

Once they were the preserve of TV royalty, but now every Tom, Dickinson and Harry has a talk show - antiques expert David Dickinson being the latest.

The jury will be out on Dickinson's success as a host until he gets a few shows under his belt, but just remember not to tweak the contrast on your television - he really is that orange.

I should make clear that I am saying that the BBC is having a bitch, not that Denise is a little bitch (she may be, but I have never heard of her, so I do not know.)

Tom, Dickinson and Harry, oh how drole! "he really is that orange" I think most people know that David has Armenian heritage and has olive skin, and this is a tired, wilted, and vaguely racist jibe. There is poison in her fingers and remarks like this loose their jocular edge and stray into darker grounds when not sweetened with good will.

The article also contains the usual laudatory puff for Michael Parkisnon. Was Parkinson that great? No, he is also a nasty bit of work to boot, a classic bitter Northern hack. The "Parky" moments we are often shown are more a commentary of the times, lack of anything else decent, and very BIG stars. Today celebrity has less grandeur, but is widespread like a rash: celebs today are often just vacuous puppets paraded for our delectation by cynical PR machines. Parkinson had some talent for sure, but, like Bernard Manning in his underpants, he is gone without being missed. Of course you can still catch him during the break - he now sells grave stone insurance (or whatever it is) to the masses.

David Dickinson is NOT a Tom, Dick or Harry, he is really rather a good presenter. The jury is NOT out on his success, David is finding his feet. The lack of good guests makes it even more challenging. I watch to see him and his wonderful kitsch demeanor, the guests are merely a back drop at the moment. Yes, it is cosy teatime telly! but The Duke has promise.

David Dickinson Show

The David Dickinson Show did not disappoint, I thought it would be rubbish and it was. To be honest I had no idea who any of the celeb guests were, the only face I recognised was the Duke's! Seal The Deal was a confusing affair with a predictable ending. The ending was classic Dickinson, wads of cash and a premium rate phone line with an absurdly easy question. The question today was something that must have really tested the minds of geriatric armchair Britain. The Daily Dickinson section was an "ooh missus" style romp and perhaps the most interesting bit. Not sure who the guests offering their insight were at all, although there was a lot of innuendo. The show ended with a rugby player dresses as a woman routine. I absolutely hate Paul O'Grady and this seems to be the inspiration for much of the larks. I like The Duke and wish him well, I hope it gets better.

Russell Grant is at it again. This time he is grafting his services onto the Chelsea Flower Show.

Many items in the Cancerian’s garden will have sentimental value. The bird bath might have been a gift from a grandparent, the pear tree planted to commemorate a birth in the family, the lavender, a reminder of an aunt’s favourite perfume.

Ha! I wonder how he comes up with this rubbish! Paul Burling may not be funny, but Russell Grant is a great source of unintended mirth.

Excellence at last and Paul Burling

A glimpse of the bright future with Twist and Pulse and the dark past with Paul Burling.

Some excellent acts at last! Josh Barry was a good singer for sure and has charisma, is he destined for greatness? Not sure. The really great act of the night was Twist and Pulse, a eccentric dance comic combo. This is a very interesting act and may be the dark horse in the competition; one of the judges (Amanda was it?) sagely noted that this was a glimpse of the future. Exceptional and original, full marks. The judges missed the talent of Alyn James in order to paint him as a depressive, a pity. With a little polish and encouragement Alyn would have made the grade, instead he was fed to the lions for a cheap laugh. The audience are proving to be a real problem this year - hysterical and easily pleased, they add nothing but noise and vulgar displays of emotion.

I liked Mark James' act. His rendition of Rene and Renatta in two halves was witty and rather good, this 'cat' has potential. The dance acts are becoming a blur of amazing choreography all with similar names designed to confuse, so much talent and dedication in this category.

The "it would mean everything" act

So not to disappoint, amongst the excellent acts was a real piece of F grade tripe: The last act of the night was Paul Burling, a cringe makingly desperate "impressionist" Apparently "it would mean everything" if he got to perform in front of Her Majesty The Queen.

Impressionists usually provide a satirical or comic comment with their delivery, Rory Bremmner, Mike Yarwood? Paul Burling reminded me of Spike from Hi-de-Hi, or maybe Mr Partridge aka Whimsical Willie the Juggling Joker. Why, for example, mimic Harry Hill? Hill is himself a satirical pastiche - and what is the entertainment value in a mimic of Olive Oyl and Popeye? None. It might work in a pub, or in a dingy seaside town I suppose.

In providing a mimic of Harry Hill, Burling is the entertainment equivalent of a toxic derivative, and may cause a sharp decline in talent futures. I could do without his sob stories as well, he should join Mr. Patridge at the bar and drown his sorrows.

Josh Barry

Celebrity glamour in Aylesbury

Josh Barry, a 16 year old student, wows the judges tonight with song. Gushing Piers Morgan comments "'You’ve got the looks, you’ve got the charm, you’ve got the stage presence" Let's make lots of money? Perhaps.

Josh comments that the "audition is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me" Never heard that before, most acts say otherwise.

Something more original comes in the form of Twist and Pulse, a "streetcomedy" act which combines dance and comedy. Sounds interesting! Look forward to that one.

In other news: bald goblin Paul Daniels has announced he is a fan of ball gobblin' He is backing Stevie "The Regurgitator" Starr to win Britain's Got Talent, and points out that Stevie appeared on his TV show 20 years ago. The little munchkin advises ""He should be on TV once a year to show people he's still out there." That's the problem...people forget. You need to remind them you are still alive, don't you Paul! My advice is to make offensive remarks about sex, other celebs, politics etc, then sit back and watch the red tops lap it up.

NUBO is Susan Boyle's Cousin

According to American sources Janey Cutler (aka NUBO) is in fact Susan Boyle's cousin! Where this idea sprang from I have no idea, but so reports the website nerdles.com. Perhaps we should not be so hard on our American cousins, perhaps they think everyone in the UK is related! Take this from our own Daily Telegraph:

Janey Cutler shot to instant fame when her rendition of Edith Piaf’s Non Je Ne Regrette Rien on Saturday’s show...

Janey sang no such thing, the lyrics were nothing like the original in translation. Anyway, news for anyone looking to get slim for summer! Russell Grant will be dishing out homemade advice in The Frog and Crown (a virtual room at an online bingo website called Tea and Bingo). The old fatso will also be available to advise you on other things of course, is it your lucky day? Will you meet a tall dark stranger? Is Aunt Ethel's cat psychic.... and all that sort of thing.

Paul Daniels

More revelations from The Daily Mirror interview with Paul Daniels. It seems he was interviewed by a lady journalist named Danielle Gusmaroli. During the interview Daniels remarks:

“All women have boobs, you have boobs. Go on, show me,” he says nodding at my chest.

The shocked journalist writes "I am speechless and stare at him agog"

All this fuss is due to the fact that Daniels is appearing in an advert for Walker's Crisps. He is pushing chicken teriyaki flavour in some form of silly costume. Daniels himself is not happy about the contents of the interview and has published a reply to Danielle calling her a "Wicked Witch" Further, he finds it necessary to remark that she is "half French and half Italian" and therefore knows nothing about the "entertainment business" Curious logic indeed.

I am not sure why Walker's Crisps would want to be associated with this sort of thing. Is Paul Daniels looking to take over where Bernard Manning left off?

Paul Daniels Blog

Daily Mirror Article

Paul Daniels Quiz Night...

"rough, tasteless, bawdy and scruffy" is a famous comment made by the diminutive berk, but what was Paul talking about?

1. Himself
2. Janet Street-Porter
3. His bedroom activities
4. Blackpool
5. Robert Mugabe

In which place was Paul Daniels "forced to hand out flyers"(according to local media) for his magic show, achieving a total of 139 seats out of 400?

1. New York
2. Hong Kong
3. Milan
4. Paisley, Renfrewshire.
5. Tokyo

When Paul Daniels applied for the role of Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films,

He

1. Tried to rewrite the script to feature Debbie Mcgee
2. Declined due an existing commitment in Great Yarmouth
3. Refused to appear without platform heels
4. "never had a reply"
5. Invoked the spirit of Mother Shipton

Who said that Paul Daniels is "one of the funniest men in show business"

1. Kim il Sung
2. Prince Phillip
3. The Patriach of Antioch
4. his website
5. Dame Vera Lynn

Who said about his wife "She was wearing the sort of sleeping blindfold you get on long-haul flights. Printed on it was Do Not Disturb. But further down her body she had a sign that said Disturb!"

1. Fred West
2. Nick Griffin
3. Larry Grayson
4. Paul Daniels
5. Nelson Mandela

Who said Ally McBeal or Friends "is as clever as anything Shakespeare wrote"

1. Dr David Starkey
2. Will Self
3. Lord St John of Fawsley
4. Paul Daniels
5. Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury

Paul Daniels Attacks Britains Got Talent

Some people have brass necks. One of those is Paul Daniels whose contributions to the cultural life of the UK include the above piece of trash. One wonders if the actors who appeared in his Wizbit show suffered post traumatic stress disorder? Yesterday the self proclaimed sex machine launched a sly attack on Britain Has Talent. The former owner of Mother Shipton's Cave says:

"We've always had talent shows like Opportunity Knocks and New Faces. But I'm not that interested as they are all amateurs. We used to get professionals on the screen doing proper shows. We don't get them much now."

This outburst appears amongst a stomach churning piece where the 72 year old boasts that he has bedded "300 lovers" Daniels claims he was something of a lothario back in the 1960s and was helped by the introduction of the contraceptive pill. He also reveals that he still has conjugal relations with Debbie McGee "We have sexathons" he claims. Not something anyone needs to know.

What he doesn't mention is that his own fame comes from Opportunity Knocks... he came second in 1970.

Daniels is well known for having a massive "pomme frite" on his shoulder about all sorts of things. He is especially bitter about the fact that the BBC dropped his naff entertainment shows, hence his barbed comment about "amateurs" perhaps? In Daniels' mad world we would all be tuning in to watch him and Debbie on a Saturday night. Thank goodness those days have past!

Daniels also has some other rather odd views:

"The hereditary peers, the real Lords, have the genetic knowledge so they know what to pass and what not to let through. I believe the gene carries more than physical characteristics"

He claims to have "a little, but not very much, sympathy for the homeless"

Nice guy.

The David Dickinson Show

More madness from ITV. The David Dickinson Show starts next week and will be an unholy alliance of chit chat, antiques, and topical debate. Who are the luminaries that will grace The Duke's court? The Hairy Bikers and Wayne Sleep are amongst the glittering stars coming to your afternoon box next week. The show will also feature ‘Seal The Deal’ giving viewers the opportunity to call a premium rate phone line. Most alarming of all:

"viewers can also expect topical views as David and his team of pundits and celebrity commentators give us their take on the day’s news and views"

Can expect? Sounds like a flood warning! David Dickinson is the sort of person who belongs at the end of a pier with candy floss and other pointless distractions. Aunt Ethel's pot pig turns out to be worth a pretty penny and all that. I am most interested to see what his views are - medallion man perhaps? I hope he proves me wrong, as I rather like his OTT permatan style. Good luck to him, but I fear the worst.

NuBo vs High Energy?

A 98 year old from a group calling itself "High Energy" is hoping to appear on Britain's Got Talent. Winnifred Shaw from Ilford was inspired by granny singing sensation, Janey Cutler (80) Winnifred hopes to wow audiences with an Elvis Presley number it seems. The old lady has already been given the all clear by her local hospital. She says she wants to do it "my family and my country" Well, good luck to her!

Grandma we love you, grandma we do... geriatric opponent Janey Cutler is now known as NuBo. The higher NuBo stock rises the more money for the promoters behind the scream factory.

Over in China BBC Worldwide are having a bit of bother with their pepper-pot Tombliboos. The TV characters speak jibberish, which is apparently a good thing in this day and age, translations of the jibberish to Mandarin have caused the character to swear in a very offensive fashion. Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men never swore, although Pink and Perky were rumoured to use fruity langauge after a night on the cider.

"Obviously we can't have a character on one of the most successful kids shows going around the world uttering profanities." is the wry comment from the BBC.

Marco Pierre White

According to ATV Network: ITV may be about to pull the plug on Marco Pierre White's "Kitchen Burnout" following poor viewing figures. This is a pity as Marco is an excellent and enjoyable personality, but he was landed with a crap format and ghastly faux celebs like Carol Smiley and Russell Grant.

It seems that genuine stars kept well away and so the show was left with the real dregs. Marco needs a proper format, not some naff kitchen based contest. I personally would much prefer to hear his opinion on the cuisine of foreign parts than the scripted bilge Jamie Oliver is now broadcasting. Marco has the potential to be the next Keith Floyd, a cook with passion and intelligence who can bring something special to the travel genre. Why nobody has seen this heaven knows! The only other presenter in this league is Rick Stein. Wake up ITV and smell the spices!

If you want to see how not to present the travel tv genre, take a look at the work done by the cadaverous Simon Calder. His byline is something like "don't forget your passport or your smile" Yuk! His work is full of patronising explorations of his own bohemian pretension and is about as passionate as a wet weekend in Norwich. Here is one of the "smart alec" remarks that populate his journalism:

"the thickness of the mattress is in inverse proportion to the proximity of the people"

Nauseating.

Iron Chef UK

The award for worst TV show May 2010 is Iron Chef UK.

Iron Chef UK is a deeply stupid show that tries very hard to be whacky and bizzare... and fails. The format may work in Japan, but in the UK it is truly cringe worthy. The show is hosted by Nick Nairn, a cook who tried to make a name for himself during the celeb chef mania of the 1990s. Nairn used to set pans on fire a lot but didn't catch on himself. The other presenter is someone called Olly Smith, nobody really knows who he is exactly, but he seems very pleased with himself for some reason.

This horrid little show is a huge embarrasment to the viewing public and anyone foolish, or desperate enough, to appear in it. Annoyingly a lot of the dishes are worthy of a more sensible format, Channel Four should dump this in the bin as soon as it can.

Joe Powers?

Britains Got Talent junkies will soon be able to feed their addiction courtesy of Britains Got Talent Bingo. The game is "inspired" by many of the graphics used on the show and the theme music. It is unlikely to feature a virtual Simon Cowell calling numbers. However, the press is informed that it will have all the "excitement and tension" of the hit ITV show. Players will also have the chance to win tickets to grand final!

Interesting telly: Derren Brown Investigates Channel 4 tonight at 10pm. Brown investigates the world of psychic readings. I do not know who Joe Powers is yet, but why didn't he interview the Grand Poohbah of psychic drivel, Russell Grant? Grant has recently been communicating with a dead nurse on behalf of Katie Price. Anyway, it looks like it is worth a watch:

The documentary should be commended for trying to dispel the myth that there is any merit in psychic readings but it will, in all likelihood, serve better as a platform for Joe Powers to expand his seedy business that is soley reliant on the bereaved and the vulnerable to fund his ego and empire.

http://channelhopping.onthebox.com/2010/05/10/derren-brown-investigates-hits-dead-end/

Janey Cutler USA

Janey Cutler is now the subject of a bidding war!! US based tv networks anxious for a little of the Subo II magic are on the phone! I strongly suspect that Janey is a wise old bird and will regard the attention with a worldly eye. She should be wary that she does not get launched into a maelstrom of media frenzy and end up having her life turned upside down. I must say that I like her! Even though she is NOT singing the same song as the little sparrow, La Môme Piaf, Edith Piaf.

Mention should also be made of the wonderfully deadpan, James Boyd. His world record attempts at eating After Eight Mints are comic, his sardonic manner is actually a talent in itself. This is not just another eccentric and I suspect that he will become a feature, perhaps next year it will be another confectionary choice. I wonder what Janey's favourite sweet is?

Je regrette

Regrets, I've had a few....like having wasted an hour watching tonight's Britain's Got Talent. Janey Cutler did not sing an Edith Piaf song, the rest of the acts were lacklustre or we only saw a slight glimpse of their talent. Janey Cutler certainly has amazing lungs and that's a fact. How was her singing? Spine tingling Subo it was not. Still, she is a cheery lass and a lot better than most I suppose. Car crash TV courtesy of an amazing then dreadful act called Myztikal (I hope I got that name right?) The Chippendoubles? Surprising, but once you know what the deal is....that's it. Othelio were ridiculous. The samurai cucumber affair was naff in a Las Veags sort of way. All in all a right load of old rubbish. At this rate I am beginning to think that The Arrangement weren't all that bad after all.

Russell Grant is Marco's "number one favourite"

Tacky self promotion artist Russell Grant claims that his dead grandmother was present during his appearance on ITVs Kitchen Burnout. Grandma Lily used to own a fish and chip shop and so was helpful to the gastronomic endeavor apparently. The Sun reports Grant: "and Marco also said 'your grandmother is probably here'. I felt her presence." Interestingly the paper also reports that Marco "wasn't interested" in an astrological reading! The portly drama queen burst into tears during the show, later managing to regain his dignity to report that he was Marco's favourite:

"I just spoke to ITV and they said that I was his absolute number one favourite [contestant]," Grant told DS.

"Maybe he liked my frankness. I think also people tend to think of me as I was on breakfast telly. A bit fluffy, maybe even spineless... But I'm nothing like that. Never judge an astrologer by the colour of his jumper!"

A bit fluffy? How about a hideous loud mouthed horror from the 1980s?

Janey Cutler - Subo 2

The next Subo II sighting is Janey Cutler, so how many is that so far? I've lost count. The 81 year old grandma sings Edith Piaf's Je Ne Regrette Rien tonight, which it seems is the message as well: she's had a long life see. Hard times, good times, but she regrets nuffink. Great, but the CSE grade morons that inhabit the audience stalls may not pick that up, and think she regrets Ryan. This is another example of a rabble rousing anthem, like the White Cliffs of Dover a few weeks back.


Simon Cowell also tried to help the nation this week with some homespun wisdom about what he hopes for post- election UK. Simon wants to

"unlock talent, promote family values, stimulate business and reduce knife crime"

What about world peace and caring for all the orphaned ponies? Simon Cowell stands in opposition to the Bastard school of thought that advoctaes crushing talent, promoting the lone wolf mentality, strangling business with red tape, and free flick knifes for sink estates. Simon Cowell's Platitude Party may fare well if we are forced to adopt proportional representation, he may choose to form an alliance with the Stating The Bloody Obvious Coalition

Hokum Watch

More Russell Grant based hokum:

1. The Tories will win the election because we have "an emphatic Mercury retrograde" according to his latest press release.

2.The Sun informs us that Katie Price - aka Jordan - is being haunted by the ghost of a nurse. Grant is at hand to help of course! Interestingly the great behemoth has decreed that the ghostie is "good" and has decided that it should stay chez Jordan. The reason is some twaddle about healing her son. Russell reveals that "I saw a woman in a white nurse's uniform. There is absolutely no doubt to me that she was an angel. I had a dream that night and when I woke up I knew I had got through" Or maybe, just maybe, he had been feasting on:

1. Dream inducing cheese and pickle sandwiches
2. His own desperate need for publicity, an appetite shared by Katie Price

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

Susan Boyle is the next Susan Boyle

BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT CONTESTANT OLIVIA ARCHBALD IS NEW SUSAN BOYLE...screams The Star. With all due respect she is most certainly not! Susan Boyle was a delightfully frumpy lady who got sneered at by the audience on arrival and then responded with a knock out performance. That was the moment that she seized popular imagination and created a media storm / mass hysteria. Oliva Archbald did not do the same in my opnion, certainly she is a good singer, but she is not sending the Boyle message. The Boyle message was simple and appealing, a down trodden spinster with a cat was capable of greatness through song. Her subsequent eccentric behaviour only served to further deepen the bond that she had created with her public. We loved her, and we still do. Olivia Archbald is timorous, Boyle is feisty. Susan Boyle is the pop culture equivalent of Everyman and has timeless universal appeal.

So far already we have had numerous "next Susan Boyle" sightings i.e Olivia, The Singing Accountant etc. However, like The Loch Ness Monster, they are misty visions of what might be, but likely shall prove to be a delsuion. There is only one Susan Boyle and we should be satisfied with that.

It would mean everything

They don't make telly like this anymore, thank goodness. I still say that Britains Got Talent should hire Russell G, as he is known in the hood, as a judge. Now Simon is planning to quit wouldn't he make a good addition, maybe as an astrolgical counsellor to wannabe celebs? You are Aries you can't dance, you are Taurus you can't sing. It would add something a bit different to a tired format.

Back to the show: I thought Olivia Archbold was a really good singer, she obviously has a good chance of winning, so why do we need to know about her deceased relative? In this mornings red tops we are greeted to the following insights:

Olivia Archbold "chose her spine-tingling audition song after singing it at her Nanny Elsie’s funeral" Nan used to give her angel charms and the last one Olivia received she was wearing last night. We have heard this sort of thing many times before. Verity Treacle would have loved it!

We also learn that mum is a "hero" "She is always there for me, she teaches me to be hard- working and committed" As an after thought to all this sentiment and puritan ethic we are given some more earthly data:

She attends a dance academy and has hopes of becoming "a multi- million pound recording ­artist"

This looks to me like formula human interest PR, the kind of thing that the show has become notorious for. I suppose it is necessary to get the public interested in the act and the hacks know excatly what their readership want. I really hope she doesn't say "This is for you ..." or maybe I'm just too cynical. Good luck to her! But really this is Britains Got Talent, not American Mush Idol, or maybe Briatin loves to wallow in sentiment like our cousins across the pond.

Talking of formulas the shows favourite scripted phrase has made two appearances so far (to my knowledge)

"It would mean everything" is the classic Joe McElderry refrain and is being used by the Britain's Got talent hopefuls. I intend to keep a count from now on and see how many times I can spot this absurd expression.

In less savoury news, failed duo Different Dreams "would love to have a foursome with Ant and Dec"... "but they only want to go as far as holding hands – for now" Somehow I think that is as likely as the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad getting it on with Paris Hilton, or Russell Grant appearing in an ad for Weight Watchers. Possible, but it won't happen.

Puppets on strings

The puppet masters were very obvious this week - a ham fisted roller coaster ride of emotions which did not seem like real auditions at all. I rather liked Different Dreams and was mighty disappointed when they turned out to be the "human angle" stunt. Friendship is so much more important isn't it? Sure it is. An amusing pair of ladies and I hope they return next year after more work.

Olivia Archbold was great - a superb voice, and, as Piers pointed out, someone who perhaps does not realise how talented she is? AKA were a gaudy mess and difficult to watch, spirited but not served well by all that lamé and the hectic pace. Flute Magic, an unsettling pair indeed. Paul Daniels is a dislikeable dwarf - and I'm sure Debbie McGee gets the better of him over the cornflakes - these two don't have the same magic connection. They reminded me of Bluto and Olive Oyl. Of course she can't play the flute either which doesn't help matters.

Connected? As Simon correctly pointed out they were only connected to the past. Annoyingly we were only given the briefest glimpse of one really good act this evening - Bionik Funk. Georgia Overton gave an impressive performance and was the other very talented act this evening. Neither act served the needs of the emotion junkies in telly land and so got passed over rather quickly.

Flute Magic, Connected and Different Dreams

Ones to look out for tonight from Geordie land:

Flute Magic, a husband and wife duo who combine the arts of the magician and the flautist. Sounds good!! Given the publicity shots that are doing the rounds, I am guessing they are going through. Never know...

Connected, a band who explain their choice of name thus "because we are all like family, we're brothers, twins and friends " and Different Dreams, a pair of ladies who met a bus stop! Interestingly for one of Connected's number it will be the 4th time on the show! Harry Mondryk has been before the judges time and again. There's dedication for you! Unfortunately Britain Has Got Talent tends to reward people who pull silly stunts and / or tug at the heart strings, not necessarily hard work and talent.

As usual we will get a male stripper, this one dancing to Nelly The Elephant.

Russell Grant is hot in Australia

Not sure anyone would have predicted this, but Russell Grant's novelty products are selling like hot cakes on the other side of the world. "Unwanted" copies of Russell Grant's game, Russell Grant's Astrology, are being imported and sold for a song downunder. Website aussie-nintendo.com reports that they are proving hugely popular! Are Aussies a nation of gullible bargain hungry star gazers? No, apparently they can pick up Russell's game for 11 dollars and then use it as some form of barter for Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (whatever that is)

I am sure the portly pyschic doesn't mind, after his triumphant, and spellbinding, return to the screen on Marco Pierre White's Kitchen Burnout, we will no doubt be seeing a lot less of him. The latest blurb from his media machine claims that he had accurately predicted the current political situation. The press release includes some rather sour personal remarks as well as the usual gibberish about planets and all. I am not sure what planet Grant lives on, but why anyone would want the opinion of a 1980s F list "celeb" on politics is beyond me. Stick to reading tea leaves and psychic communications with aunt Ethel's cat.

Odds for Britains Got Talent 2010

The latest odds for Britains Got Talent make interesting reading. Spellbound at 11/4 and Tina and Chandi at 9/1 show that the bookmakers have spotted the likely winners! Stevie Starr at 50/1 might be worth a punt though.

Spellbound 11/4

Chloe Hickinbottom 10/1

Kevin Cruise 100/1
Chandi & Tina 9/1

Ruby Girls 100/1
Kieran Gaffney 10/1

Josh Warner Campbell 40/1

Max Oliver 150/1
Chris Stone 10/1

Stevie Starr 50/1

Jimmy Ford 200/1
Tobias Mead 10/1

Pippa the Ripper 66/1

Tia Brodie 200/1

Stevie Starr

Stevie Starr, the bizarre act that swallows and then brings up coins and billiard balls is gaining a lot of popular support. The act, known as The Regurgitator, was certainly extraordinary. It even has historical precedent.

In the 1920s an Egyptian - Hadji Ali - was an sensation in the United States for doing the same thing. He also used to spout water! A hugely dangerous act of course, not to mention the kerosene he spouts in the clip above! Interestingly Stevie Starr has appeared on US shows already. Jean Royer a 17th Century Frenchman, and Blaise Manfre also performed similar tricks. I am rather hoping he does well, I can imagine that such an act might find an audience in Las Vegas. Good luck Stevie!

Is "The Arrangement" A Hoax?

A comment at HecklerSpray.com, following on from a piece written by the excellent Paul Gibson, caught my eye:

Siobhan says:
April 26, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Just to say that I know the people in The Arrangement from our STATE sixth form college (no boarding anywhere). The whole act is meant to be a joke and to take the piss. The producers make them say all that crap.

Firstly, we do not know if Siobhan really knows The Arrangement. However, given the obvious online presence of various hooligan groups supporting this awful act, then maybe. If The Arrangement are actually there to "take the piss" should they be allowed to continue? It is worth remembering that people are going to be asked to phone in and vote and there is a cash prize up for grabs. If The Arrangement are just a hoax intended to wind people up, then why should the good folks in telly land be duped into parting with their money to support a puerile stunt. A stunt, which perhaps exists for the amusement of the few, also insults the many real acts who have worked so hard to try to acheive something positive.

It should be remembered that Simon Cowell did ask them to confirm that they were serious. I thought that rather telling. He also said “It was like you were performing at the school ball and somebody spiked your drinks” Paul Gibson called the act "a cushion-biting, sphincter-twisting, cat-hurling cloud of pain and despair"

The Arrangement & The Online Yobs

Matthew 26:74 Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew.

Do not criticise The Arrangement, if you do, then expect to get a visit from a pack of online yobs hurling disgusting insults. Most of them seem to have a poor command of English but a suprising talent for prurient imagery.

The foul mouthed followers of The Arrangement have accused me of using "tears as lube", having an unsavoury interest in Ant & Dec, and insulting my attempts "at grade 1 recorder" I don't cry very often (the last time was when my parrot, Mr Strawberry, died), I do not really like Ant & Dec - I always thought Jimmy Tarbuck would make a better presenter - and I play the zither and not the recorder.

The tirade of abuse and profanity is the reason why decent people fear using public transport, fear of feral youth. These feral packs - that are roaming the web abusing anyone that does not support The Arrangement - are a shocking indictment on what young people have become. They are also a shocking indictment of the standards of decorum and behavior at the one particular education establishment perhaps? Not sure. Many of them say they know the group and so forth.

Interestingly the latest poster has invited me for a drink "how bout u come doyn carlton arms on fookin friday nite" says the invite. It seems that spelling is not high on the curriculum either. I am not sure where The Carlton Arms is. I am a great fan of gastro pubs and also enjoy a good ploughmans lunch, I am wondering if they do a nice cheese and pickle spread perhaps?

Edelweiss with crickets

Here it is, the long awaited single from Britain's Got Talent "singing sensation" Hollie Whatshername. Courtesy of Pushy Mum Productions this beautiful piece of music will delight grandmas across the land.

Notice the crickets that drown out Hollie's voice? They are a bizzare attempt to prevent people from downloading the song, you need to pay in cold cash you see. Apart from that, the piano playing reminds me of the late great Les Dawson, it totally ruins the song.

Hollie Steel Album

Buy it or else

Hollie Steel's mum, Nina Steel, has announced that she will take six months off work to launch Hollie Steel's debut album, Hollie. Hollie Steel famously burst into tears on Britain's Got Talent 2009. She has since been involved in falied bids for fame with Rolf Harris and an Xmas 2009 offering, which was a flop.

Nina is especially bitter about the money earned by others it seems:

"The 2008 finalists - including Faryl Smith, who's a similar artist to Hollie - did very, very well from it. They got record deals and things like that. Hollie didn't get anything. We believed Hollie's talent was good enough to get some sort of recognition but nobody came forward."

Foul mouthed Nina told the Daily Star:

"I feel let down because I think Hollie has a really beautiful talent," she added. "I'm a mum and now I'm a bloody record producer and manager. It's ridiculous."

What is ridiculous is this pushy women swearing and carrying on about the career of her 11 year old daughter. It may be advisable to buy this musical offering or face The Wrath of Nina Part 2.

Nina Steel has in the past launched attacks on the public at large (via a local newspaper in Chorley) for not supporting Hollie. She also lambasted "rich families" at her daughter's school, who she accused of "snobbery" ... "who look down on Hollie and her brother Josh, 15" via The Mirror in April 2009.

Hollie Steel

Remember Hollie Steel? The ten year old kid who burst into tears during Britain's Got Talent 2009? Well, her mama has just had a go at Simon Cowell. I wonder why?

Nina Steel, the mother, has been moaning about how her darling daughter was "dropped like a penny" by producers. Last Christmas she also launched an attack on the public at large for not supporting her daughter.

Simon promptly responded:

"Last year's finalist Hollie Steel's mum has been saying certain things about the show. But kids aren't dragged on the show - parents bring them.

"Kids are always going to be disappointed if they don't win. Most of the kids I've seen during auditions had a blast. If I thought they weren't enjoying themselves I'd do something about it."

Well said, sir! Hollie Steel's parents actually entered both of their children into the talent show according to their publicity / wikipedia page. They thought that "her older brother, Joshua, was more likely to progress" Are they running a family or a talent stable? Sound like the archetypal pushy parents to me.

Apparently she was due to make a recording with Rolf Harris, but it didn't happen, so she released a record at Christmas which also failed. This prompted her mother to launch a scathing attack on the nation via The Chorley Citizen, a local rag of some kind:

“Sometimes this country lets young people down and we want people to get behind Hollie and support her...it is heartbreaking for me and her"

I couldn't agree more! Why has Britain let this girl down? How dare you! Why has she not been rewarded with a lucrative record deal, fame, fortune, "a party with rooms full of laughter, ten thousand tons of ice cream, pink macaroons, a million balloons and performing baboons" The answer of course is nobody wants to hear a sickly sweet rendition of Edelweiss by a little brat, or watch her mother throw a tantrum. One comment in The Chorley Citizen puts it well:

Good grief, the memories of Britain's Got Talent just came flooding back, when this pushy mum demanded that her brat be allowed to sing again, when she'd already thrown the mother of all tantrums on stage...car crash tv is all your daughter is known for, not her rather average singing voice. I wonder if Hollie wants any of this? Let her have a childhood...

So why has Nina Steel started attacking the show? In a desperate attempt to remind us of Hollie Steel and get some press coverage? Perhaps she could release a version of the hit from Veruca Salt? I wonder what the Oompa Loompa's would say?

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who's to blame:
The mother and the father!

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do

The Arrangement

Ghastly brat group, The Arrangement, are on the spin cycle: Frontman Jono tells The Sun

THE Arrangement are planning to use their sexy string section to give them a boost in the next round

No comment necessary.

It might help if they actually had a little talent to offer and if Jono could actually sing. Instead they revisit an old joke by singing popular songs in operatic style. Seen it many times before, although obviously it was a new one on the audience. Simon Cowell was correct to buzz The Arrangement off. I seriously regret that this tripe is going to be wasting everyones time in the second round. The other news is that showman, or show off, Jono has a father, and he is an opera singer. So what?