Sunday, January 30, 2011

Cooperative Funeralcare

Co-operative Funeralcare branch in Shildon, launches a Knickers 4 Africa appeal, Mayor Gareth Howe is shown displaying a pair to the camera(i)

Nothing to do on a cold bleak Saturday afternoon in January? Why not plan your own funeral.

This is the heart warming message from The Cooperative, makers of the world's naffest adverts. In the ad for Cooperative Funeralcare we see a wide variety of "normal people" (most probably really bad actors) pontificating on how they want to depart this vale of tears. "My song's got to be, I did it my way" "I'm going out in style" and other twaddle. The prospect of death is something to be laughed at, ""I'll keep my mates waiting"They'll have to be a good spread ho ho ho". No one of them in this dark winter month seems bothered. Have they used reason to combat their fear of mortality, have they reached out to eastern mysticism (or even unfashionable Christianity) Nope, they have left it all up to the sanctimonious old Co-op and that's it. As with most Cooperative adverts we are treated to the supercilious nasal drawl of a Scot - "Mr Gooood with Foooood" who basically tells you to get on with it. Get down the Co-op and select your casket like the happy-go-lucky "people like you" who just appeared in the ad, it's normal. Of course it is not normal to contemplate death, nor to have a self satisfied grin after having paid The Coop to give you "a right good send off" "Mr Gooood with Foooood" appears throughout the year giving instructions on how to live your life better by buying Cooperative products. The Pasta dinner ad sees the guests arriving on a scooter for example, then waving their arms about like a typical Italian. The Cooperative Funeralcare uses the same simplistic approach to sales, death and garlic bread are just commodities.

In The Midst of Life, We are in Bed.

Worst is still to come, without Mr Gooood with Foooood this time. The Coop have recently launched another toe curling ad about a husband addressing his wife via the TV, and proposing that they copulate on Saturday mornings. The rationale behind this public invitation to bonk is that they can get their shopping at The Coop and avoid the queues..hmmm...because nobody with any sense shops there? No! They are local, like Tubbs and Edward in The League of Gentlemen. The husband seems to have a glass eye, and has a self satisfied grin as he strolls into the Co-op to pick up "what he needs" The horror continues when the man's wife (a Geordie) replies in the next ad in the series! She uses visual metaphors to accept his proposal and looks forward to being given a good seeing to on Saturday morn. One wonders what is next?

Need a holiday, get down the Co-op

Another January horror from the Cooperative stable sees them flogging package holidays:

1. Find a salivating Uncle Fester from the hoards of out of work actors.
2. Get him to deliver an oration about what he wants from his holiday, "sandy beaches" "star lit skies" "plunge my naked body" yuk!
3. Get the helpful Coop girl to get her computer to say...yes
4. Explain the rationale, he wants to enjoy his holiday, not spend months planning it!

Absurd, and like the Mr&Mrs Saturday morning nookey, not to be watched when eating your Coop chicken supper (raised to the Coop's own Elmwood stanadrd(ii). The guy in the advert looks as though he is in need of a good wash. As with the glass-eyed husband there is something of the Dickensian grotesque about the intrepid traveller and his leering soliloquy.

The message with all The Cooperative adverts is that they know best, they don't. If you are aspiring to a Tuscan lifestyle, getting yourself planted in style, or planning a week in Rhodes you should shop around. If their adverts are anything to go by then The Co-op are what they have always been, holier than thou and crap.


(ii) "What is the difference between Elmwood and Free Range?"

Free Range birds are free to roam outside during the day. Elmwood Chickens and Turkeys are reared in highly ventilated and sunlit barns, bringing the outside to them. Source Cooperative website. They "lead a more relaxed longer life" in that barn the blurb also says.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Celebrity Five Go To Turkey

Celebrity Five Go To Turkey was a funny little affair, and really rather fun. The show is obviously a spin off from Celebrity Coach Trip, but with added advantage: the overbearing presence of Brendan is thankfully gone, and you do discover something of the attractions of the locale.

Derek Conway was the only celeb that did not degenerate into the syrup - basically a psycho-drama created by the hysterical emotional Bagpuss that is Russell Grant. Well done Derek! A swim around a pool with a couple of trained dolphins was life changing, a mud bath was "the best day of my life" and all that. There was some awful woman covered in tatoo ink that helped Grant create a house of schmaltz, but I have no idea who she was (or is). Jan Leeming became tired and emotional and Derek Conway had a "physic massage" administered by Russell. Grant also "read the cups" for that chap from Blue. One wonders if these demonstrations of Grant's services were written into the contract?

Sadly, dear old Russell did not win and lost 7-0 when judged by the Turkish. One reason might be that he expressed boredom with the historic sites, was "fresh" with numerous male Turks during filming, ate with his mouth open, left his undergarments scattered all over the floor, and insulted the local staff - calling the chef "the meerkat" and the maid "mama mia" Foreigners eh? The final insult to the Turkish nation was when RG speculates about whether the prize will be a villa in Turkey.....he says he will "put it on the market" and use the money to see West End shows in London. The spirit (and bulk) of Bernard Manning lives.

Do say "oooh anyone got any Daddy's Sauce for me kebab, dear"

Don't say "let's go visit the museum"

Monday, January 3, 2011

Pete Postlethwaite - RIP

What a dreadful way to start 2011, the announcement of the death of the great Pete Postlethwaite. In a cultural landscape dominated by mediocrity and stupidity, we can ill afford to loose men of this calibre. Mr Postlethwaite was one of those rare breed of actors who could be used as a referee for any film or production - quite simply if he was there it was worth watching.

We should be grateful that he left behind a impressive body of work, but one cannot help thinking that he had so much more to give. Very, very, sad. RIP Mr Postlethwaite and thank you for the work you leave behind.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Rush Poppers, Gordon Ramsay and Why We Deserve Better

The red tops have recently been full of the latest Ramsay outrage; a tiresome spat between Gordon Ramsay and his father-in-law. The "hooligan chef" who parades his half baked ideas about gastronomy, and fully formed aggression, in telly land seems to court controversy. In 2008 The News of The World gave a insight into this enfant terrible's lifestyle and perhaps the seeds of this latest debacle:

The News reported on a tryst in an expensive hotel where Ramsay met Sarah Symonds and followed her as she made a rush for Soho: "She left and travelled to Soho where she spent ten minutes browsing a sex shop called Simply Pleasure. She spent £10 on three small yellow bottles of amyl nitrate, branded Rave and Rush. Amyl nitrates, also known as poppers, are not illegal". (James Weatherup & Carole Aye Maung, 23/11/2008)

Being a simple fellow I thought poppers were some kind of popcorn, apparently not. Rush is in fact a peculiar form of liquid incense used in certain intimate rituals it seems. Apart from his potty mouth and ability to enrage genuinely talented folks like Marco Pierre White, why is this individual so beloved by TV producers? The answer is there if Britain cares to look. It is the same reason why prime-time telly is dominated by trashy confrontational junk like The X Factor - a showcase for rows and discord. These programmes, like Ramsay, feed the red tops with salacious tittle tattle, which boosts viewing, and then allows TV companies to sell ever more expensive advertising. A cosy arrangement you might think, but does it have a cost? Yes, it does! The cost is that a condones a form of unruly behaviour - take a look at the vomit drenched high streets of a Friday night - removes any sense of individual decorum (Ramsay the role model!) and denies REAL TALENT a platform. If you are a great chef with something of value to say, but do not resort to expletives and intimidation, or poppers fueled indiscretion, then what good are you!

Telly land is dominated by crude and avaricious men. The reason for this is the unholy alliance with the tabloids and the independent production companies. These companies are in a downward spiral ever trying to catch the attention of the couch potato with a new outrage. Confrontation sells, that is the message. This permeates TV from from morning to night, ever more angry and divisive. We deserve better and perhaps some of the politicians who bemoan "Broken Britain" should take a look at modern "culture" as decided by the likes of Cowell, Ramsay, and the other cashing in on this demise. No doubt Simon Cowell sitting in a jacuzzi eating Angel Delight, or Gordon Ramsay blinking through the exotic haze of poppers, do not give a damn, you should!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Russell Grant on Celebrity Coach Trip & in Los Angeles

More revelations in the ongoing Russell Grant mystery. It appears that Russell is off to Los Angeles to star in his own show "Russell Grant & Friends" - this is what he claimed when he appeared on Loose Women some time ago. Russell even invited the gals over to the States to appear on HIS show! Strangely there is no trace of the show anywhere yet? I wonder what has happened?

I have never heard of Sean Neilson, but he has somehow managed to get an intreview with the great man. Sam tells that there was a Facebook campaign to get Russell onto Strictly Come Dancing:

We spoke about his fan following and how he loves the people around him who follow his work and life and this was recently confirmed with a facebook group which had been set up to get Russell Grant on “Strictly Come Dancing” on the BBC – although it did not happen

Oh, did not happen...heard that before. The really interesting news is that Russell

is now at the moment currently on “Celebrity Coach Trip” with his amazingly talented and much loved friend Brendan Sheerin

There it is in BLACK & WHITE. Where did Sean Neilson get this info? One must assume from Russell Grant himself:

"Russell popped into my show for a quick chat about what he had been up and my goodness does this man work hard"

So Russell is on Celebrity Coach Trip! Hooray! I have taken a copy of Sean's website just in case there are any revisions - this sometimes happens in Russell's mysterious world of wonder.

See the interview plus a video of Russell Grant talking about astrology and his new show in LA here:

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Paul Burling wows in Chippenham

According to a local paper in glamorous Chippenham "dozens" of fans turned out to see Britain's Got Talent celebrity, Paul Burling. Paul was there to open the local Curry's / PC World store in Bath Road - the biggest electrical shop in the Chippenham area!! The smartly turned out staff watch as Paul does his thing...the gentleman on the left sporting the new "half mast" tie - trouser-hip combo seen recently in Paris and Rome.

Celebrity Coach Trip

"Astrologer Russell Grant has been approached by Channel 4 bosses for the new show" claimed Peter Dyke & Katie Begley for The Daily Star on September 16th.

However, according to leaks from Celebrity Coach Trip there is still no sign of him! I wonder what happened and indeed how Peter and Katie got this information? Unfortunately Russell has planned to be on many reality shows "Big Brother"..."I'm A Celebrity" etc but it never seems to happen! I wonder why....I wonder who might be the source of these tabloid rumours? As we all know Russell is a huge star in the firmament of celebrity and perhaps he can't be tempted away from all his other appearances? We, the viewing public, are the ones that are loosing out!

David Van Day and Tony Blackburn have already been booted off and the ghastly Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister are on board somewhere on the continent. Celebrity Cockroach Trip airs in January 2011.


About Me

Nestov Ratz is a world renowned campanologist originally from the Romanisch speaking region of Switzerland. Nestov has been acclaimed by high society for his zither playing. In 2007 Nestov wowed holidaymakers in Benidorm with his act, Nestov & Mr Strawberry, an act comprising a zither and a singing parrot.