Friday, May 28, 2010

Russell Grant

Kitchen Burnout contestant Russell Grant has claimed that he is expecting an offer to appear on "I'm a Celebrity" This seems rather unlikely as he is not a celebrity. The obnoxious pseud also suggested he would find it rather difficult due to his erudite leanings:

" I'm a great book reader and radio fan. I do love a good political programme and stuff on the World Service. On these reality shows, am I going to find anyone to talk to?"


I wouldn't worry about that, you can get stuck into a Barbara Cartland and keep waiting for the phone to ring. Grant also claims that he is about to host a chat show in the US and has three film roles lined up. Before Grant took up the lucrative fortune telling game he appeared in On the Buses.

In other news, the act Othelio - can't really recall what they were about frankly - have been given the boot from Britain Has Talent. The singer Deborah Stephens was "linked to a double murder" according to the BBC. The victims relatives were distressed by her appearance and the show took the view that Othelio should be dropped. Stephens was not involved in the murder of Allan Cunning, 21, and Darren Hall, 20, but allegedly witnessed Michael Maddison murder the two young men with a baseball bat. So being "linked to" a horrific death is enough to be considered unfit for TV? Perhaps that is correct, one can understand the distress that it might cause. Why then is Michael Barrymore still popping up in TV land?




Monday, May 24, 2010

Michael Barrymore Come Dine With Me



The hideous shit Michael Barrymore is back on TV again. This time courtesy of the caviar to potato peelings story that is Come Dine With Me. Watching this show over the years change from something worthy into a stomach churning spectacle has been something of a journey. Tonight Come Dine with Me plunged to new depths with Barrymore at the helm desperately trying to rekindle the fire of his long dead career.

The other folks in the show were irrelevant as Barrymore tried ever so hard to appear like an anarchic comic in the Spike Milligan vein. The story about his love interest has already been exposed by the tabloids as a publicity stunt. I am more curious about that Las Vegas style pile in which he appeared. Come Dine With Me has a history of presenting celebs in other houses - it happened to the lovely Christopher Biggins - I wonder...

Channel Four should be ashamed of themselves for again giving air time to this grotesque and pathetic spectacle of a man. I caught no mention of which charity received the money, it begs the question... why not?

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Neil Fullard



Walsh again! However, Neil Fullard is proof Britain has Talent! A great performance! The rest of the evening was sentimental and "contrived quirky" dross unfortunately. I am not sure why the judges chose to make remarks about Neil Fullard's appearance? I suspect we will see Neil in tuxedo and with a big band next time round. Yes, Liam McNally was a good singer and that is about it.

The evening had an unsavoury feel due to the appearance of that pugilistic and annoyingly perky Walsh. Please no more of him! The same can be said of Corey-Sean, the overly confident prance act. The pushy drag queen is hoping that his long lost mum will see him tonight and "I think if she saw me today, she'd be proud." he tells the red tops. "Finding my mum would be even better than winning the show - just to have my mum and someone who loves me." More sob stories instead of talent!

The contrived quirky acts - the threatening singer and the stroppy piano player further added to misery.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Christopher Biggins



Marco Pierre White says he has never heard of most the celebs on his Kitchen Burnout show - because he does not own a TV. Imagine! He' ll miss out on Paul Burlings next act then, which is supposed to contain Del Boy, Tony Blair and Chris Tarrant. Burling has been given odds of 10/1 against Twist & Pulse (20/1)! Perhaps Marco prefers higher culture? the theatre perhaps? How about this offering:

Best Of British Variety Tour 2010

Bradford, Clacton, and Wolverhampton are amongst the exciting venues! The show features Paul Daniels, The Krankies, The Grumbleweeds, Syd Little and Dana. Who could ask for more?

One ray of light is the amusing racanteur and bon viveur, Christopher Biggins. The gargantuan ham that is Biggins will hopefully hold the thing together. "As false as Biggin's laugh" is an old saying in hack circles, however CB has never pretended to be anything other a rather wonderful fluffy national treasure. I wonder how he gets on with Paul Daniels' ego.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

David Dickinson - A Little Bitch




A little bitch from the BBC, Denise Winterman writes

Once they were the preserve of TV royalty, but now every Tom, Dickinson and Harry has a talk show - antiques expert David Dickinson being the latest.


The jury will be out on Dickinson's success as a host until he gets a few shows under his belt, but just remember not to tweak the contrast on your television - he really is that orange.


I should make clear that I am saying that the BBC is having a bitch, not that Denise is a little bitch (she may be, but I have never heard of her, so I do not know.)

Tom, Dickinson and Harry, oh how drole! "he really is that orange" I think most people know that David has Armenian heritage and has olive skin, and this is a tired, wilted, and vaguely racist jibe. There is poison in her fingers and remarks like this loose their jocular edge and stray into darker grounds when not sweetened with good will.

The article also contains the usual laudatory puff for Michael Parkisnon. Was Parkinson that great? No, he is also a nasty bit of work to boot, a classic bitter Northern hack. The "Parky" moments we are often shown are more a commentary of the times, lack of anything else decent, and very BIG stars. Today celebrity has less grandeur, but is widespread like a rash: celebs today are often just vacuous puppets paraded for our delectation by cynical PR machines. Parkinson had some talent for sure, but, like Bernard Manning in his underpants, he is gone without being missed. Of course you can still catch him during the break - he now sells grave stone insurance (or whatever it is) to the masses.

David Dickinson is NOT a Tom, Dick or Harry, he is really rather a good presenter. The jury is NOT out on his success, David is finding his feet. The lack of good guests makes it even more challenging. I watch to see him and his wonderful kitsch demeanor, the guests are merely a back drop at the moment. Yes, it is cosy teatime telly! but The Duke has promise.

Monday, May 17, 2010

David Dickinson Show



The David Dickinson Show did not disappoint, I thought it would be rubbish and it was. To be honest I had no idea who any of the celeb guests were, the only face I recognised was the Duke's! Seal The Deal was a confusing affair with a predictable ending. The ending was classic Dickinson, wads of cash and a premium rate phone line with an absurdly easy question. The question today was something that must have really tested the minds of geriatric armchair Britain. The Daily Dickinson section was an "ooh missus" style romp and perhaps the most interesting bit. Not sure who the guests offering their insight were at all, although there was a lot of innuendo. The show ended with a rugby player dresses as a woman routine. I absolutely hate Paul O'Grady and this seems to be the inspiration for much of the larks. I like The Duke and wish him well, I hope it gets better.

Russell Grant is at it again. This time he is grafting his services onto the Chelsea Flower Show.

Many items in the Cancerian’s garden will have sentimental value. The bird bath might have been a gift from a grandparent, the pear tree planted to commemorate a birth in the family, the lavender, a reminder of an aunt’s favourite perfume.


Ha! I wonder how he comes up with this rubbish! Paul Burling may not be funny, but Russell Grant is a great source of unintended mirth.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Excellence at last and Paul Burling



A glimpse of the bright future with Twist and Pulse and the dark past with Paul Burling.

Some excellent acts at last! Josh Barry was a good singer for sure and has charisma, is he destined for greatness? Not sure. The really great act of the night was Twist and Pulse, a eccentric dance comic combo. This is a very interesting act and may be the dark horse in the competition; one of the judges (Amanda was it?) sagely noted that this was a glimpse of the future. Exceptional and original, full marks. The judges missed the talent of Alyn James in order to paint him as a depressive, a pity. With a little polish and encouragement Alyn would have made the grade, instead he was fed to the lions for a cheap laugh. The audience are proving to be a real problem this year - hysterical and easily pleased, they add nothing but noise and vulgar displays of emotion.

I liked Mark James' act. His rendition of Rene and Renatta in two halves was witty and rather good, this 'cat' has potential. The dance acts are becoming a blur of amazing choreography all with similar names designed to confuse, so much talent and dedication in this category.

The "it would mean everything" act

So not to disappoint, amongst the excellent acts was a real piece of F grade tripe: The last act of the night was Paul Burling, a cringe makingly desperate "impressionist" Apparently "it would mean everything" if he got to perform in front of Her Majesty The Queen.

Impressionists usually provide a satirical or comic comment with their delivery, Rory Bremmner, Mike Yarwood? Paul Burling reminded me of Spike from Hi-de-Hi, or maybe Mr Partridge aka Whimsical Willie the Juggling Joker. Why, for example, mimic Harry Hill? Hill is himself a satirical pastiche - and what is the entertainment value in a mimic of Olive Oyl and Popeye? None. It might work in a pub, or in a dingy seaside town I suppose.

In providing a mimic of Harry Hill, Burling is the entertainment equivalent of a toxic derivative, and may cause a sharp decline in talent futures. I could do without his sob stories as well, he should join Mr. Patridge at the bar and drown his sorrows.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Josh Barry



Celebrity glamour in Aylesbury

Josh Barry, a 16 year old student, wows the judges tonight with song. Gushing Piers Morgan comments "'You’ve got the looks, you’ve got the charm, you’ve got the stage presence" Let's make lots of money? Perhaps.

Josh comments that the "audition is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me" Never heard that before, most acts say otherwise.

Something more original comes in the form of Twist and Pulse, a "streetcomedy" act which combines dance and comedy. Sounds interesting! Look forward to that one.

In other news: bald goblin Paul Daniels has announced he is a fan of ball gobblin' He is backing Stevie "The Regurgitator" Starr to win Britain's Got Talent, and points out that Stevie appeared on his TV show 20 years ago. The little munchkin advises ""He should be on TV once a year to show people he's still out there." That's the problem...people forget. You need to remind them you are still alive, don't you Paul! My advice is to make offensive remarks about sex, other celebs, politics etc, then sit back and watch the red tops lap it up.

Friday, May 14, 2010

NUBO is Susan Boyle's Cousin

According to American sources Janey Cutler (aka NUBO) is in fact Susan Boyle's cousin! Where this idea sprang from I have no idea, but so reports the website nerdles.com. Perhaps we should not be so hard on our American cousins, perhaps they think everyone in the UK is related! Take this from our own Daily Telegraph:

Janey Cutler shot to instant fame when her rendition of Edith Piaf’s Non Je Ne Regrette Rien on Saturday’s show...


Janey sang no such thing, the lyrics were nothing like the original in translation. Anyway, news for anyone looking to get slim for summer! Russell Grant will be dishing out homemade advice in The Frog and Crown (a virtual room at an online bingo website called Tea and Bingo). The old fatso will also be available to advise you on other things of course, is it your lucky day? Will you meet a tall dark stranger? Is Aunt Ethel's cat psychic.... and all that sort of thing.

Paul Daniels



More revelations from The Daily Mirror interview with Paul Daniels. It seems he was interviewed by a lady journalist named Danielle Gusmaroli. During the interview Daniels remarks:

All women have boobs, you have boobs. Go on, show me,” he says nodding at my chest.

The shocked journalist writes "I am speechless and stare at him agog"

All this fuss is due to the fact that Daniels is appearing in an advert for Walker's Crisps. He is pushing chicken teriyaki flavour in some form of silly costume. Daniels himself is not happy about the contents of the interview and has published a reply to Danielle calling her a "Wicked Witch" Further, he finds it necessary to remark that she is "half French and half Italian" and therefore knows nothing about the "entertainment business" Curious logic indeed.

I am not sure why Walker's Crisps would want to be associated with this sort of thing. Is Paul Daniels looking to take over where Bernard Manning left off?

Paul Daniels Blog

Daily Mirror Article

Paul Daniels Quiz Night...

"rough, tasteless, bawdy and scruffy" is a famous comment made by the diminutive berk, but what was Paul talking about?

1. Himself
2. Janet Street-Porter
3. His bedroom activities
4. Blackpool
5. Robert Mugabe

In which place was Paul Daniels "forced to hand out flyers"(according to local media) for his magic show, achieving a total of 139 seats out of 400?

1. New York
2. Hong Kong
3. Milan
4. Paisley, Renfrewshire.
5. Tokyo

When Paul Daniels applied for the role of Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter films,

He

1. Tried to rewrite the script to feature Debbie Mcgee
2. Declined due an existing commitment in Great Yarmouth
3. Refused to appear without platform heels
4. "never had a reply"
5. Invoked the spirit of Mother Shipton

Who said that Paul Daniels is "one of the funniest men in show business"

1. Kim il Sung
2. Prince Phillip
3. The Patriach of Antioch
4. his website
5. Dame Vera Lynn

Who said about his wife "She was wearing the sort of sleeping blindfold you get on long-haul flights. Printed on it was Do Not Disturb. But further down her body she had a sign that said Disturb!"

1. Fred West
2. Nick Griffin
3. Larry Grayson
4. Paul Daniels
5. Nelson Mandela

Who said Ally McBeal or Friends "is as clever as anything Shakespeare wrote"

1. Dr David Starkey
2. Will Self
3. Lord St John of Fawsley
4. Paul Daniels
5. Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury

Paul Daniels Attacks Britains Got Talent


Some people have brass necks. One of those is Paul Daniels whose contributions to the cultural life of the UK include the above piece of trash. One wonders if the actors who appeared in his Wizbit show suffered post traumatic stress disorder? Yesterday the self proclaimed sex machine launched a sly attack on Britain Has Talent. The former owner of Mother Shipton's Cave says:

"We've always had talent shows like Opportunity Knocks and New Faces. But I'm not that interested as they are all amateurs. We used to get professionals on the screen doing proper shows. We don't get them much now."


This outburst appears amongst a stomach churning piece where the 72 year old boasts that he has bedded "300 lovers" Daniels claims he was something of a lothario back in the 1960s and was helped by the introduction of the contraceptive pill. He also reveals that he still has conjugal relations with Debbie McGee "We have sexathons" he claims. Not something anyone needs to know.

What he doesn't mention is that his own fame comes from Opportunity Knocks... he came second in 1970.

Daniels is well known for having a massive "pomme frite" on his shoulder about all sorts of things. He is especially bitter about the fact that the BBC dropped his naff entertainment shows, hence his barbed comment about "amateurs" perhaps? In Daniels' mad world we would all be tuning in to watch him and Debbie on a Saturday night. Thank goodness those days have past!

Daniels also has some other rather odd views:

"The hereditary peers, the real Lords, have the genetic knowledge so they know what to pass and what not to let through. I believe the gene carries more than physical characteristics"

He claims to have "a little, but not very much, sympathy for the homeless"

Nice guy.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The David Dickinson Show

More madness from ITV. The David Dickinson Show starts next week and will be an unholy alliance of chit chat, antiques, and topical debate. Who are the luminaries that will grace The Duke's court? The Hairy Bikers and Wayne Sleep are amongst the glittering stars coming to your afternoon box next week. The show will also feature ‘Seal The Deal’ giving viewers the opportunity to call a premium rate phone line. Most alarming of all:

"viewers can also expect topical views as David and his team of pundits and celebrity commentators give us their take on the day’s news and views"


Can expect? Sounds like a flood warning! David Dickinson is the sort of person who belongs at the end of a pier with candy floss and other pointless distractions. Aunt Ethel's pot pig turns out to be worth a pretty penny and all that. I am most interested to see what his views are - medallion man perhaps? I hope he proves me wrong, as I rather like his OTT permatan style. Good luck to him, but I fear the worst.

NuBo vs High Energy?



A 98 year old from a group calling itself "High Energy" is hoping to appear on Britain's Got Talent. Winnifred Shaw from Ilford was inspired by granny singing sensation, Janey Cutler (80) Winnifred hopes to wow audiences with an Elvis Presley number it seems. The old lady has already been given the all clear by her local hospital. She says she wants to do it "my family and my country" Well, good luck to her!

Grandma we love you, grandma we do... geriatric opponent Janey Cutler is now known as NuBo. The higher NuBo stock rises the more money for the promoters behind the scream factory.

Over in China BBC Worldwide are having a bit of bother with their pepper-pot Tombliboos. The TV characters speak jibberish, which is apparently a good thing in this day and age, translations of the jibberish to Mandarin have caused the character to swear in a very offensive fashion. Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men never swore, although Pink and Perky were rumoured to use fruity langauge after a night on the cider.

"Obviously we can't have a character on one of the most successful kids shows going around the world uttering profanities." is the wry comment from the BBC.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Marco Pierre White

According to ATV Network: ITV may be about to pull the plug on Marco Pierre White's "Kitchen Burnout" following poor viewing figures. This is a pity as Marco is an excellent and enjoyable personality, but he was landed with a crap format and ghastly faux celebs like Carol Smiley and Russell Grant.

It seems that genuine stars kept well away and so the show was left with the real dregs. Marco needs a proper format, not some naff kitchen based contest. I personally would much prefer to hear his opinion on the cuisine of foreign parts than the scripted bilge Jamie Oliver is now broadcasting. Marco has the potential to be the next Keith Floyd, a cook with passion and intelligence who can bring something special to the travel genre. Why nobody has seen this heaven knows! The only other presenter in this league is Rick Stein. Wake up ITV and smell the spices!

If you want to see how not to present the travel tv genre, take a look at the work done by the cadaverous Simon Calder. His byline is something like "don't forget your passport or your smile" Yuk! His work is full of patronising explorations of his own bohemian pretension and is about as passionate as a wet weekend in Norwich. Here is one of the "smart alec" remarks that populate his journalism:

"the thickness of the mattress is in inverse proportion to the proximity of the people"


Nauseating.

Iron Chef UK



The award for worst TV show May 2010 is Iron Chef UK.

Iron Chef UK is a deeply stupid show that tries very hard to be whacky and bizzare... and fails. The format may work in Japan, but in the UK it is truly cringe worthy. The show is hosted by Nick Nairn, a cook who tried to make a name for himself during the celeb chef mania of the 1990s. Nairn used to set pans on fire a lot but didn't catch on himself. The other presenter is someone called Olly Smith, nobody really knows who he is exactly, but he seems very pleased with himself for some reason.

This horrid little show is a huge embarrasment to the viewing public and anyone foolish, or desperate enough, to appear in it. Annoyingly a lot of the dishes are worthy of a more sensible format, Channel Four should dump this in the bin as soon as it can.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Joe Powers?




Britains Got Talent junkies will soon be able to feed their addiction courtesy of Britains Got Talent Bingo. The game is "inspired" by many of the graphics used on the show and the theme music. It is unlikely to feature a virtual Simon Cowell calling numbers. However, the press is informed that it will have all the "excitement and tension" of the hit ITV show. Players will also have the chance to win tickets to grand final!

Interesting telly: Derren Brown Investigates Channel 4 tonight at 10pm. Brown investigates the world of psychic readings. I do not know who Joe Powers is yet, but why didn't he interview the Grand Poohbah of psychic drivel, Russell Grant? Grant has recently been communicating with a dead nurse on behalf of Katie Price. Anyway, it looks like it is worth a watch:

The documentary should be commended for trying to dispel the myth that there is any merit in psychic readings but it will, in all likelihood, serve better as a platform for Joe Powers to expand his seedy business that is soley reliant on the bereaved and the vulnerable to fund his ego and empire.


http://channelhopping.onthebox.com/2010/05/10/derren-brown-investigates-hits-dead-end/

Janey Cutler USA

Janey Cutler is now the subject of a bidding war!! US based tv networks anxious for a little of the Subo II magic are on the phone! I strongly suspect that Janey is a wise old bird and will regard the attention with a worldly eye. She should be wary that she does not get launched into a maelstrom of media frenzy and end up having her life turned upside down. I must say that I like her! Even though she is NOT singing the same song as the little sparrow, La Môme Piaf, Edith Piaf.

Mention should also be made of the wonderfully deadpan, James Boyd. His world record attempts at eating After Eight Mints are comic, his sardonic manner is actually a talent in itself. This is not just another eccentric and I suspect that he will become a feature, perhaps next year it will be another confectionary choice. I wonder what Janey's favourite sweet is?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Je regrette


Regrets, I've had a few....like having wasted an hour watching tonight's Britain's Got Talent. Janey Cutler did not sing an Edith Piaf song, the rest of the acts were lacklustre or we only saw a slight glimpse of their talent. Janey Cutler certainly has amazing lungs and that's a fact. How was her singing? Spine tingling Subo it was not. Still, she is a cheery lass and a lot better than most I suppose. Car crash TV courtesy of an amazing then dreadful act called Myztikal (I hope I got that name right?) The Chippendoubles? Surprising, but once you know what the deal is....that's it. Othelio were ridiculous. The samurai cucumber affair was naff in a Las Veags sort of way. All in all a right load of old rubbish. At this rate I am beginning to think that The Arrangement weren't all that bad after all.

Russell Grant is Marco's "number one favourite"



Tacky self promotion artist Russell Grant claims that his dead grandmother was present during his appearance on ITVs Kitchen Burnout. Grandma Lily used to own a fish and chip shop and so was helpful to the gastronomic endeavor apparently. The Sun reports Grant: "and Marco also said 'your grandmother is probably here'. I felt her presence." Interestingly the paper also reports that Marco "wasn't interested" in an astrological reading! The portly drama queen burst into tears during the show, later managing to regain his dignity to report that he was Marco's favourite:

"I just spoke to ITV and they said that I was his absolute number one favourite [contestant]," Grant told DS.

"Maybe he liked my frankness. I think also people tend to think of me as I was on breakfast telly. A bit fluffy, maybe even spineless... But I'm nothing like that. Never judge an astrologer by the colour of his jumper!"

A bit fluffy? How about a hideous loud mouthed horror from the 1980s?

Janey Cutler - Subo 2



The next Subo II sighting is Janey Cutler, so how many is that so far? I've lost count. The 81 year old grandma sings Edith Piaf's Je Ne Regrette Rien tonight, which it seems is the message as well: she's had a long life see. Hard times, good times, but she regrets nuffink. Great, but the CSE grade morons that inhabit the audience stalls may not pick that up, and think she regrets Ryan. This is another example of a rabble rousing anthem, like the White Cliffs of Dover a few weeks back.


Simon Cowell also tried to help the nation this week with some homespun wisdom about what he hopes for post- election UK. Simon wants to
"unlock talent, promote family values, stimulate business and reduce knife crime"
What about world peace and caring for all the orphaned ponies? Simon Cowell stands in opposition to the Bastard school of thought that advoctaes crushing talent, promoting the lone wolf mentality, strangling business with red tape, and free flick knifes for sink estates. Simon Cowell's Platitude Party may fare well if we are forced to adopt proportional representation, he may choose to form an alliance with the Stating The Bloody Obvious Coalition

Monday, May 3, 2010

Hokum Watch



More Russell Grant based hokum:

1. The Tories will win the election because we have "an emphatic Mercury retrograde" according to his latest press release.

2.The Sun informs us that Katie Price - aka Jordan - is being haunted by the ghost of a nurse. Grant is at hand to help of course! Interestingly the great behemoth has decreed that the ghostie is "good" and has decided that it should stay chez Jordan. The reason is some twaddle about healing her son. Russell reveals that "I saw a woman in a white nurse's uniform. There is absolutely no doubt to me that she was an angel. I had a dream that night and when I woke up I knew I had got through" Or maybe, just maybe, he had been feasting on:

1. Dream inducing cheese and pickle sandwiches
2. His own desperate need for publicity, an appetite shared by Katie Price

I dreamed a dream in time gone by...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Susan Boyle is the next Susan Boyle



BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT CONTESTANT OLIVIA ARCHBALD IS NEW SUSAN BOYLE...screams The Star. With all due respect she is most certainly not! Susan Boyle was a delightfully frumpy lady who got sneered at by the audience on arrival and then responded with a knock out performance. That was the moment that she seized popular imagination and created a media storm / mass hysteria. Oliva Archbald did not do the same in my opnion, certainly she is a good singer, but she is not sending the Boyle message. The Boyle message was simple and appealing, a down trodden spinster with a cat was capable of greatness through song. Her subsequent eccentric behaviour only served to further deepen the bond that she had created with her public. We loved her, and we still do. Olivia Archbald is timorous, Boyle is feisty. Susan Boyle is the pop culture equivalent of Everyman and has timeless universal appeal.

So far already we have had numerous "next Susan Boyle" sightings i.e Olivia, The Singing Accountant etc. However, like The Loch Ness Monster, they are misty visions of what might be, but likely shall prove to be a delsuion. There is only one Susan Boyle and we should be satisfied with that.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

It would mean everything



They don't make telly like this anymore, thank goodness. I still say that Britains Got Talent should hire Russell G, as he is known in the hood, as a judge. Now Simon is planning to quit wouldn't he make a good addition, maybe as an astrolgical counsellor to wannabe celebs? You are Aries you can't dance, you are Taurus you can't sing. It would add something a bit different to a tired format.

Back to the show: I thought Olivia Archbold was a really good singer, she obviously has a good chance of winning, so why do we need to know about her deceased relative? In this mornings red tops we are greeted to the following insights:

Olivia Archbold "chose her spine-tingling audition song after singing it at her Nanny Elsie’s funeral" Nan used to give her angel charms and the last one Olivia received she was wearing last night. We have heard this sort of thing many times before. Verity Treacle would have loved it!

We also learn that mum is a "hero" "She is always there for me, she teaches me to be hard- working and committed" As an after thought to all this sentiment and puritan ethic we are given some more earthly data:

She attends a dance academy and has hopes of becoming "a multi- million pound recording ­artist"

This looks to me like formula human interest PR, the kind of thing that the show has become notorious for. I suppose it is necessary to get the public interested in the act and the hacks know excatly what their readership want. I really hope she doesn't say "This is for you ..." or maybe I'm just too cynical. Good luck to her! But really this is Britains Got Talent, not American Mush Idol, or maybe Briatin loves to wallow in sentiment like our cousins across the pond.

Talking of formulas the shows favourite scripted phrase has made two appearances so far (to my knowledge)

"It would mean everything" is the classic Joe McElderry refrain and is being used by the Britain's Got talent hopefuls. I intend to keep a count from now on and see how many times I can spot this absurd expression.

In less savoury news, failed duo Different Dreams "would love to have a foursome with Ant and Dec"... "but they only want to go as far as holding hands – for now" Somehow I think that is as likely as the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad getting it on with Paris Hilton, or Russell Grant appearing in an ad for Weight Watchers. Possible, but it won't happen.

Puppets on strings



The puppet masters were very obvious this week - a ham fisted roller coaster ride of emotions which did not seem like real auditions at all. I rather liked Different Dreams and was mighty disappointed when they turned out to be the "human angle" stunt. Friendship is so much more important isn't it? Sure it is. An amusing pair of ladies and I hope they return next year after more work.

Olivia Archbold was great - a superb voice, and, as Piers pointed out, someone who perhaps does not realise how talented she is? AKA were a gaudy mess and difficult to watch, spirited but not served well by all that lamé and the hectic pace. Flute Magic, an unsettling pair indeed. Paul Daniels is a dislikeable dwarf - and I'm sure Debbie McGee gets the better of him over the cornflakes - these two don't have the same magic connection. They reminded me of Bluto and Olive Oyl. Of course she can't play the flute either which doesn't help matters.

Connected? As Simon correctly pointed out they were only connected to the past. Annoyingly we were only given the briefest glimpse of one really good act this evening - Bionik Funk. Georgia Overton gave an impressive performance and was the other very talented act this evening. Neither act served the needs of the emotion junkies in telly land and so got passed over rather quickly.

Flute Magic, Connected and Different Dreams




Ones to look out for tonight from Geordie land:

Flute Magic, a husband and wife duo who combine the arts of the magician and the flautist. Sounds good!! Given the publicity shots that are doing the rounds, I am guessing they are going through. Never know...

Connected, a band who explain their choice of name thus "because we are all like family, we're brothers, twins and friends " and Different Dreams, a pair of ladies who met a bus stop! Interestingly for one of Connected's number it will be the 4th time on the show! Harry Mondryk has been before the judges time and again. There's dedication for you! Unfortunately Britain Has Got Talent tends to reward people who pull silly stunts and / or tug at the heart strings, not necessarily hard work and talent.

As usual we will get a male stripper, this one dancing to Nelly The Elephant.

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About Me

Nestov Ratz is a world renowned campanologist originally from the Romanisch speaking region of Switzerland. Nestov has been acclaimed by high society for his zither playing. In 2007 Nestov wowed holidaymakers in Benidorm with his act, Nestov & Mr Strawberry, an act comprising a zither and a singing parrot.