Russell Grant is hot in Australia

Not sure anyone would have predicted this, but Russell Grant's novelty products are selling like hot cakes on the other side of the world. "Unwanted" copies of Russell Grant's game, Russell Grant's Astrology, are being imported and sold for a song downunder. Website aussie-nintendo.com reports that they are proving hugely popular! Are Aussies a nation of gullible bargain hungry star gazers? No, apparently they can pick up Russell's game for 11 dollars and then use it as some form of barter for Pokémon HeartGold and SoulSilver (whatever that is)

I am sure the portly pyschic doesn't mind, after his triumphant, and spellbinding, return to the screen on Marco Pierre White's Kitchen Burnout, we will no doubt be seeing a lot less of him. The latest blurb from his media machine claims that he had accurately predicted the current political situation. The press release includes some rather sour personal remarks as well as the usual gibberish about planets and all. I am not sure what planet Grant lives on, but why anyone would want the opinion of a 1980s F list "celeb" on politics is beyond me. Stick to reading tea leaves and psychic communications with aunt Ethel's cat.

Odds for Britains Got Talent 2010

The latest odds for Britains Got Talent make interesting reading. Spellbound at 11/4 and Tina and Chandi at 9/1 show that the bookmakers have spotted the likely winners! Stevie Starr at 50/1 might be worth a punt though.

Spellbound 11/4

Chloe Hickinbottom 10/1

Kevin Cruise 100/1
Chandi & Tina 9/1

Ruby Girls 100/1
Kieran Gaffney 10/1

Josh Warner Campbell 40/1

Max Oliver 150/1
Chris Stone 10/1

Stevie Starr 50/1

Jimmy Ford 200/1
Tobias Mead 10/1

Pippa the Ripper 66/1

Tia Brodie 200/1

Stevie Starr

Stevie Starr, the bizarre act that swallows and then brings up coins and billiard balls is gaining a lot of popular support. The act, known as The Regurgitator, was certainly extraordinary. It even has historical precedent.

In the 1920s an Egyptian - Hadji Ali - was an sensation in the United States for doing the same thing. He also used to spout water! A hugely dangerous act of course, not to mention the kerosene he spouts in the clip above! Interestingly Stevie Starr has appeared on US shows already. Jean Royer a 17th Century Frenchman, and Blaise Manfre also performed similar tricks. I am rather hoping he does well, I can imagine that such an act might find an audience in Las Vegas. Good luck Stevie!

Is "The Arrangement" A Hoax?

A comment at HecklerSpray.com, following on from a piece written by the excellent Paul Gibson, caught my eye:

Siobhan says:
April 26, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Just to say that I know the people in The Arrangement from our STATE sixth form college (no boarding anywhere). The whole act is meant to be a joke and to take the piss. The producers make them say all that crap.

Firstly, we do not know if Siobhan really knows The Arrangement. However, given the obvious online presence of various hooligan groups supporting this awful act, then maybe. If The Arrangement are actually there to "take the piss" should they be allowed to continue? It is worth remembering that people are going to be asked to phone in and vote and there is a cash prize up for grabs. If The Arrangement are just a hoax intended to wind people up, then why should the good folks in telly land be duped into parting with their money to support a puerile stunt. A stunt, which perhaps exists for the amusement of the few, also insults the many real acts who have worked so hard to try to acheive something positive.

It should be remembered that Simon Cowell did ask them to confirm that they were serious. I thought that rather telling. He also said “It was like you were performing at the school ball and somebody spiked your drinks” Paul Gibson called the act "a cushion-biting, sphincter-twisting, cat-hurling cloud of pain and despair"

The Arrangement & The Online Yobs

Matthew 26:74 Then began he to curse and to swear, saying, I know not the man. And immediately the cock crew.

Do not criticise The Arrangement, if you do, then expect to get a visit from a pack of online yobs hurling disgusting insults. Most of them seem to have a poor command of English but a suprising talent for prurient imagery.

The foul mouthed followers of The Arrangement have accused me of using "tears as lube", having an unsavoury interest in Ant & Dec, and insulting my attempts "at grade 1 recorder" I don't cry very often (the last time was when my parrot, Mr Strawberry, died), I do not really like Ant & Dec - I always thought Jimmy Tarbuck would make a better presenter - and I play the zither and not the recorder.

The tirade of abuse and profanity is the reason why decent people fear using public transport, fear of feral youth. These feral packs - that are roaming the web abusing anyone that does not support The Arrangement - are a shocking indictment on what young people have become. They are also a shocking indictment of the standards of decorum and behavior at the one particular education establishment perhaps? Not sure. Many of them say they know the group and so forth.

Interestingly the latest poster has invited me for a drink "how bout u come doyn carlton arms on fookin friday nite" says the invite. It seems that spelling is not high on the curriculum either. I am not sure where The Carlton Arms is. I am a great fan of gastro pubs and also enjoy a good ploughmans lunch, I am wondering if they do a nice cheese and pickle spread perhaps?

Edelweiss with crickets

Here it is, the long awaited single from Britain's Got Talent "singing sensation" Hollie Whatshername. Courtesy of Pushy Mum Productions this beautiful piece of music will delight grandmas across the land.

Notice the crickets that drown out Hollie's voice? They are a bizzare attempt to prevent people from downloading the song, you need to pay in cold cash you see. Apart from that, the piano playing reminds me of the late great Les Dawson, it totally ruins the song.

Hollie Steel Album

Buy it or else

Hollie Steel's mum, Nina Steel, has announced that she will take six months off work to launch Hollie Steel's debut album, Hollie. Hollie Steel famously burst into tears on Britain's Got Talent 2009. She has since been involved in falied bids for fame with Rolf Harris and an Xmas 2009 offering, which was a flop.

Nina is especially bitter about the money earned by others it seems:

"The 2008 finalists - including Faryl Smith, who's a similar artist to Hollie - did very, very well from it. They got record deals and things like that. Hollie didn't get anything. We believed Hollie's talent was good enough to get some sort of recognition but nobody came forward."

Foul mouthed Nina told the Daily Star:

"I feel let down because I think Hollie has a really beautiful talent," she added. "I'm a mum and now I'm a bloody record producer and manager. It's ridiculous."

What is ridiculous is this pushy women swearing and carrying on about the career of her 11 year old daughter. It may be advisable to buy this musical offering or face The Wrath of Nina Part 2.

Nina Steel has in the past launched attacks on the public at large (via a local newspaper in Chorley) for not supporting Hollie. She also lambasted "rich families" at her daughter's school, who she accused of "snobbery" ... "who look down on Hollie and her brother Josh, 15" via The Mirror in April 2009.

Hollie Steel

Remember Hollie Steel? The ten year old kid who burst into tears during Britain's Got Talent 2009? Well, her mama has just had a go at Simon Cowell. I wonder why?

Nina Steel, the mother, has been moaning about how her darling daughter was "dropped like a penny" by producers. Last Christmas she also launched an attack on the public at large for not supporting her daughter.

Simon promptly responded:

"Last year's finalist Hollie Steel's mum has been saying certain things about the show. But kids aren't dragged on the show - parents bring them.

"Kids are always going to be disappointed if they don't win. Most of the kids I've seen during auditions had a blast. If I thought they weren't enjoying themselves I'd do something about it."

Well said, sir! Hollie Steel's parents actually entered both of their children into the talent show according to their publicity / wikipedia page. They thought that "her older brother, Joshua, was more likely to progress" Are they running a family or a talent stable? Sound like the archetypal pushy parents to me.

Apparently she was due to make a recording with Rolf Harris, but it didn't happen, so she released a record at Christmas which also failed. This prompted her mother to launch a scathing attack on the nation via The Chorley Citizen, a local rag of some kind:

“Sometimes this country lets young people down and we want people to get behind Hollie and support her...it is heartbreaking for me and her"

I couldn't agree more! Why has Britain let this girl down? How dare you! Why has she not been rewarded with a lucrative record deal, fame, fortune, "a party with rooms full of laughter, ten thousand tons of ice cream, pink macaroons, a million balloons and performing baboons" The answer of course is nobody wants to hear a sickly sweet rendition of Edelweiss by a little brat, or watch her mother throw a tantrum. One comment in The Chorley Citizen puts it well:

Good grief, the memories of Britain's Got Talent just came flooding back, when this pushy mum demanded that her brat be allowed to sing again, when she'd already thrown the mother of all tantrums on stage...car crash tv is all your daughter is known for, not her rather average singing voice. I wonder if Hollie wants any of this? Let her have a childhood...

So why has Nina Steel started attacking the show? In a desperate attempt to remind us of Hollie Steel and get some press coverage? Perhaps she could release a version of the hit from Veruca Salt? I wonder what the Oompa Loompa's would say?

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
Blaming the kids is a lion of shame
You know exactly who's to blame:
The mother and the father!

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not spoiled then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do

The Arrangement

Ghastly brat group, The Arrangement, are on the spin cycle: Frontman Jono tells The Sun

THE Arrangement are planning to use their sexy string section to give them a boost in the next round

No comment necessary.

It might help if they actually had a little talent to offer and if Jono could actually sing. Instead they revisit an old joke by singing popular songs in operatic style. Seen it many times before, although obviously it was a new one on the audience. Simon Cowell was correct to buzz The Arrangement off. I seriously regret that this tripe is going to be wasting everyones time in the second round. The other news is that showman, or show off, Jono has a father, and he is an opera singer. So what?

The Singing Accountant

According to an interview he gave to The Sun, Christopher Stone (The Singing Accountant), was subject to atrocious bullying whilst at school. If this is the case, then it is shameful. But should he be pulling at the nation's heart strings in this manner? Another question altogether. This is a talent show for crying out loud, not a weep fest.

I noted from the article:

Christopher won't name the school he attended in Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Why not? Naming and shaming the establishment might help if the problem still exists.

What do we make of statements like this one (also in the interview)

"My dad is on his pension now so I want to look after him a bit because he sacrificed so much for me. He's my bestest friend."

Bestest friend? He also is trained in baby talk as well as having had singing lessons it seems. All very contrived methinks. Singers need charisma to survive, not sympathy. Beware of The Singing Accountant and his SuBo strategy is my advice, otherwise true talent will not be triumphant in Cowell's circus of human dramas.

Christopher Stone - The SuBo Effect

Christopher Stone, the singing accountant? Does Simon Cowell think we all just arrived on the last melon truck? If this isn't a stage managed attempt to recreate the SuBo effect, then my name's Fred Basset! The parents who pushed the shy little bookish accountant to reveal his talent? The hand wringing? Give me a break! Simon C even stopped proceedings to add that bit of drama! Christopher Stone can sing, but if he had not pulled the "nerdy accountant with his mum" routine, would we have have noticed him? Answer: of course not! There is a story doing the rounds that he owes his papa money:

"He sold a lovely three-bedroom semi with a big garden and moved into a small, two-bedroom flat above an Indian takeaway so I could follow my dream" reports stv.tv.

Well, I hope he likes onion bhajees then, because "The Singing Accountant" 'aint no Susan Boyle.

Gymnast troupe Spellbound were truly amazing, let us hope they do not turn out to be in fact the UK Olympic Gymnast Team posing as a bunch of street kids from "different backgrounds" a la "Fame". I hope not, as these guys provided something really anazing. If this IS raw undiscovered talent then hats off to Cowell. Such an act would do Britain proud on the international stage and would no doubt delight HM The Queen. Good luck to them!

The Arrangement were (and are) total rubbish, and should have been given the boot. This is the kind of stunt which devalues the talent of such acts as Spellbound. Total tripe contrived to look like it was something eccentric and posh, as usual the great unwashed in the audience provided the lifeline so this naff act can continue. Again an attempt at the underdog formula which has proved so profitable in the past.

Mysterious Emails from Outer Space?

Fiction is stranger than truth?

Peter Andre is claiming that he was offered a job as judge of X Factor Australia, sadly he had to turn it down though! "I hate turning down fantastic opportunities" said Mr 6 Pack - "but my children absolutely come first.” Bravo! Perhaps he could become a counsellor on daytime TV fight shows, where "the children come first" mantra is sure to get a big round of applause from the audiences. However, Syco TV, the producers of the show, have claimed via The Daily Star that "Andre has never been offered any role on The X Factor in any country" Oh!

Mysterious? Is it rather like that email that Russell Grant needed to "check out" - validity wise - from Britney Speers a couple of days ago? Did Britney ask the astrologer and global superstar to read her tea leaves or not?

Andre’s spokesman Claire Powell has subsequently insisted Pete had been offered the role. Claire said: “We had an email into our office about three weeks ago" The curious world of emails. My theory is that aliens may be sending emails to major celebs like Russell Grant and Pete, for what purpose we may never know. Or maybe there is another explanation, the truth is out there my friends.

Hitler's Shorts Found in Bavarian Inn

A lost piece of history, Adolf Hitler's unterhosen, have been discovered in a remote inn in Bavaria. The innkepper, Helmut Arschgeige of Der Rote Schwanze Haus in the tiny village of Schwanzedorf, said "We have a lot of interest in this, and many peoples are coming to enjoy a traditional dinner and view the under-shorts. A full plate dinner for two persons is only 25 euro with nice music. A lovely time for all the family awaits" Der Rote Schwanze Haus also has a pair of Goering's nail scissors to interest visitors, and the bar staff sing madrigals at sunset every night.

The unterhosen are the second to be discovered with Hitler's name stitched into the back by his late wife, Frau Eva Hitler. (Hitler married Eva shortly before comitting suicide, although when she was handling his briefs she was not married, a fact that scandalised Berlin society) Experts claim Hitler was paranoid about loosing his underwear, or having them mixed up, during the wash. According to some sources Hitler personally sorted the washing and hung it on the washing line, sometimes seperating his garments from other peoples washing by a noticeable distance. One of the tenets of Nazi philosophy was that all clothes should be washed in a huge machine called a Frauwichser (washer woman) German women would sit on the machine in communal areas to protect the washing from thieves and there are many art works showing this. During the era of Weimar Germany theft from washing lines of ladies apparel was a particular problem and this was therefore second nature to the hausfrau by the time of Hitler's rise to power.

Source: Professor H. Oaks, April 1st 2010

High Shakespeare

Lady reading "The Merchant of Venice" fends off attempted spanking

This weeks Britain's Got Talent (should be Britain has Talent) is a smorgasboard of self concious crap by the looks of it:

High Shakespeare : A gentleman reading Shakespeare whilst spanking a woman, is this suitable for family viewing? I think not! Angry of Mayfair (Kenny Everett's (i) brilliant study would not have approved) Wonder if High Shakespeare will read any lines from Bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream?

(i) See Verity Treacle for Kenny at his best.

Laika : a Collie Labrador who plays the guitar (competition for Tina & Chandi) and a sob story for the tabloids involving a dog and Simon Cowell. Watch out for this in next weeks red tops.
Maxxie : Miss Gaga impersonator, yeah whatever
The Arrangement : Classical singers spouting pop, been been before lovies.

Plus a pig and a horse as well. Simon Cowell's circus is in town, roll up, roll up, so what about the bearded lady? A freak show for telly land on ITV tonight.

Brian Badonde

Who is Brian Badonde? An art critic and the very best creation from the stable of Kayvan Novak aka Facejacker. Whether or not he is based upon the equally wonderful Brian Sewell is not open to question it seems. Brian Badonde's bizzare bombast beggars belief. B++ Bloody brilliant.

Britney Spears involved with "Astrologer Royal"

According to The Sun, the latest mega star to become entangled with Russell Grant is Britney Spears. Really? You decide:

Russell, 59, confirmed: "I got an email from Britney Spears' office. Apparently she wants a reading. I need to check out its validity."

A source told The Sun newspaper: "Britney has asked Russell for readings in the past and really values his advice."

Notes:

1. "I need to check out its validity" - sigh....
2. The Sun says "A source" - I wonder who that might be?

Quiz: What is the word used in common parlance for the excrement of male cows?

Russell Grant, Pet Pyschic and Exorcist

Absurd psychic Russell Grant is said (by The Daily Star) to be about to perform exorcism on Katie Price's home! According to the ghastly Katie (aka Jordan) ghosties switch on equipment in the middle of the night.

“I will light candles and attempt to find out who is causing the mischief and then purify the place.” says Russell

Of course you will. I always thought that exorcism was a Cathlic rite? "Lord" Russell Grant has many titles and even has been known to be confused with the Astrologer Royal (a title which does not exist) "Since 1978 Russell Grant has been entitled as the Astrologer Royal as a result of being the first astrologer for over 400 years to be publicly honoured"(i) blurts out one of his websites. Perhaps he has now ordained himself? I wonder what entitled means? " Answer: To give a name or title to....so who gave him that "title"?

Russell calls himself "Britain's Astrologer Royal" at http://twitter.com/astrotarot This is all based on the fact that he once met the Queen Mother at the Ideal Home Exhibition in the 1970s. So it is very easy to get a right royal title it seems. It must do wonders for him in the United States, along with his msyterious title "The Lord of Ashford in Staines in Middlesex" I wonder if he has an ermine robe? Wouldn't it be simply lovely if he was able to turn up at the House of Lords and do readings! Unfortunately that is not possible due to

1. Other commitments
2. Baroness Mystic Meg of Cleethorpes already holds the post
3. Another reason


(i) http://www.russellgranttravelclub.com/

Daily Mail Shocker - Tina and Chandi

Chandi on holiday in Great Yarmouth circa 2007

The Daily Mail today reveals the shocking truth about Tina and Chandi, the dancing dog act that wowed viewers of Britain's Got Talent. Chandi is not a dog, but rather an Albanian midget and worse than that..an asylum seeker with a family of 12 living on the dole. OK, not really. What they actually revealed is that she has appeared on other TV talent shows. So what? Apparently it is significant to the readership of The Daily Mail, some of whom may remember a Daily Mail article from 1934 called ""Hurrah for the Blackshirts"

Mr Mumbo Jumbo

Crystal balls at the ready....fancy a dinner cooked by Russell Grant, astrologer and pet psyhic?

What better way to spend time with your partner or friend than by indulging in a lavish dinner cooked by Russell Grant.

I can think of a few....anyway, the chance is there in a new competition launched by the publicity hungry star gazer. Capricorns prefer to "roast and bake" and their favourite foods are "Oatmeal, chicken stock, steak and salmon" Just in case you were wondering....

Tina and Chandi

Tina and Chandi are what make watching Britain's Got Talent worthwhile, what an act! Tina looks like a sensible and very warm individual and Chandi is clearly the next Lassie! A really wonderful and heart warming pair. I already think I have my favourite.

The usual tripe: Funereal tambourine players, a parrot that didn't cut the mustard, and the predicted weepy from Chloe Whatsherface. Even the stereotypical "fighter" Keiron or Keiran Gaffney with his awful parents (beautifully staged managed in my cynical opinion) at the end. I have already forgotten most of them. Not sure why that Louis Walsh needed to insult Pipe and Brums, he should watch his manners.
Kevin Cruise was amusing in a Hi de Hi sort of way. Poor David Churcher, poetry is a bit too high brow for the celeb trash factory. Tobias Mead is one to watch, a really original dance act, and a strange 1950s style moustache.

Not a bad start I suppose. I predict the leprechaun is going to become annoying.

John Cleese

John Cleese, a prime example of the fact Britain has talent, has reportedly paid 3,300 pounds to a Norweigan taxi for a ride from Oslo to Brussels. Many stars are stuck overseas due to the volanic ash in Britain's airspace. Whitney Houston has even been forced to take to the high seas in a Irish ferry! Do you remember the days when celebrities were made from inate talent? Today the celebrity factory produces plastic wrapped trash, talking of which, Katie price is now being touted as a judge on Britain's Got Talent 2011!

Oxo mum in Britains Got Talent ad break!

Lynda Bellingham, the original Oxo mum will make an emotional return after more than a decade during the Britains Got Talent 2010 ad break tonight. The Daily Mail claims she "since fought alcohol addiction" and is "now married for a third time" and also reveals that her co-star in the Oxo family now comperes quiz nights in Spain. The bitter fingers that produce this spiteful tittle tattle must be looking forward to tonight, Cowell provides them with stories like Marks and Spencers make ready made meals. Lynda will return as herself and not as the Oxo mum of old. Good luck to her!

Dog may win Britains Got Talent

Hopefuls for Britains Got Talent 2010 need to be aware that Simon Cowell is on the look out for a dog for 2010. As we all know Simon is mighty fond of canines.

The Press Association reports that Cowell said:

I want to find the next Lassie. I would like a talented dog act to win.

The potato mash eating parrot, one of the reported nutcase acts this year, may have some stiff competition. I have often wondered how Pebbles, Susan Boyle's cat, regarded her sudden rise to fame. Cats can be mighty jealous and tempremental. Britains Got Talent should employ the services of Russell Grant, Britains "most loved" astrolger. Russell not only reads the heavens he also knows what cats and dogs are thinking and offers a "pet pyschic" service. If a dog does win this year the show should have Russell on hand to help.

Cowell to quit Britains Got Talent

The shocking news that awaits us all over cornflakes and coffee, Simon Cowell may, or may not, quit Britains Got Talent sometime in the future. The Daily Mail, home of quality journalism, has the scoop. He gives helpful advice to anyone thinking of taking his shoes,

"In terms of who would replace me, I don't know to be honest with you. You have really got to know what you are talking about and you have really got to be able to spot a star"

A platitude is a trite statement that is presented as if it were significant and original. Knowing what you are talking about rules out the large majority of celebs. Who do you think should replace him? Perhaps a shortlist should be drawn up and we can all vote (using a premium rate phone line) for his replacement.

Paul Manning, News and News Sources, says the Daily Mail is for the "lower-middle class market resulting from mass education, combining a low retail price with plenty of competitions, prizes and promotional gimmicks"

Chloe Hickinbottom

Apart from the whackos on the make, Chloe Hickinbottom is being touted as the tear jerker for Britains Got Talent 2010. The 10-year-old is said to have left judges "gobsmacked" with her There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover. Get that pack of kleenex tissues ready. The same old formula works again and again. Tomorrow just you wait and see....

The Cheeky Boys and a belcher

Among the "eccentrics" (oh how we love 'em) this year will be The Cheeky Boys, old men hiding their private parts with balloons, someone who belches called Paul Hunn, a leprechaun by the name of Jimmy Forde, and a parrot who eats potato puree. Many of these acts in my opinion are contrived with the sole intention of creating cash for the vulgar and cynical. There may well be some bona fide cranks and buffoons in their number, but they would be best served by visiting a therapist and not exposing themselves to Simon Cowell's modern day freak show.

Britains Got Talent 2010

As the clock ticks towards Saturday a nation eagerly awaits..the smaltzy tripe fest that is Britain's Got Talent 2010. What can we expect? Who knows? Who cares? The answer to the former is The Lord of Ashford in Staines in Middlesex. Who? None other than Russell Grant! According to m'lord those born under the star sign of Pisces are maybe the ones to watch

Pisces
Through their creativity Pisceans express their sensitivity and deep emotions. They are wonderfully imaginative, highly talented and incurable romantics! Money is not always a huge incentive as their personal gifts are worth more to them, than gold.

Oh yeah? “I love Britain’s Got Talent, as it enables the unknown superstars to be seen by millions" says the rolly polly astrologer. It is also is a venue, not unlike a Roman ampitheatre, where people with personality defects will be paraded for the delight of telly land. Let the games begin!