Russell Grant

Kitchen Burnout contestant Russell Grant has claimed that he is expecting an offer to appear on "I'm a Celebrity" This seems rather unlikely as he is not a celebrity. The obnoxious pseud also suggested he would find it rather difficult due to his erudite leanings:

" I'm a great book reader and radio fan. I do love a good political programme and stuff on the World Service. On these reality shows, am I going to find anyone to talk to?"

I wouldn't worry about that, you can get stuck into a Barbara Cartland and keep waiting for the phone to ring. Grant also claims that he is about to host a chat show in the US and has three film roles lined up. Before Grant took up the lucrative fortune telling game he appeared in On the Buses.

In other news, the act Othelio - can't really recall what they were about frankly - have been given the boot from Britain Has Talent. The singer Deborah Stephens was "linked to a double murder" according to the BBC. The victims relatives were distressed by her appearance and the show took the view that Othelio should be dropped. Stephens was not involved in the murder of Allan Cunning, 21, and Darren Hall, 20, but allegedly witnessed Michael Maddison murder the two young men with a baseball bat. So being "linked to" a horrific death is enough to be considered unfit for TV? Perhaps that is correct, one can understand the distress that it might cause. Why then is Michael Barrymore still popping up in TV land?

Michael Barrymore Come Dine With Me

The hideous shit Michael Barrymore is back on TV again. This time courtesy of the caviar to potato peelings story that is Come Dine With Me. Watching this show over the years change from something worthy into a stomach churning spectacle has been something of a journey. Tonight Come Dine with Me plunged to new depths with Barrymore at the helm desperately trying to rekindle the fire of his long dead career.

The other folks in the show were irrelevant as Barrymore tried ever so hard to appear like an anarchic comic in the Spike Milligan vein. The story about his love interest has already been exposed by the tabloids as a publicity stunt. I am more curious about that Las Vegas style pile in which he appeared. Come Dine With Me has a history of presenting celebs in other houses - it happened to the lovely Christopher Biggins - I wonder...

Channel Four should be ashamed of themselves for again giving air time to this grotesque and pathetic spectacle of a man. I caught no mention of which charity received the money, it begs the question... why not?

Neil Fullard

Walsh again! However, Neil Fullard is proof Britain has Talent! A great performance! The rest of the evening was sentimental and "contrived quirky" dross unfortunately. I am not sure why the judges chose to make remarks about Neil Fullard's appearance? I suspect we will see Neil in tuxedo and with a big band next time round. Yes, Liam McNally was a good singer and that is about it.

The evening had an unsavoury feel due to the appearance of that pugilistic and annoyingly perky Walsh. Please no more of him! The same can be said of Corey-Sean, the overly confident prance act. The pushy drag queen is hoping that his long lost mum will see him tonight and "I think if she saw me today, she'd be proud." he tells the red tops. "Finding my mum would be even better than winning the show - just to have my mum and someone who loves me." More sob stories instead of talent!

The contrived quirky acts - the threatening singer and the stroppy piano player further added to misery.

Christopher Biggins

Marco Pierre White says he has never heard of most the celebs on his Kitchen Burnout show - because he does not own a TV. Imagine! He' ll miss out on Paul Burlings next act then, which is supposed to contain Del Boy, Tony Blair and Chris Tarrant. Burling has been given odds of 10/1 against Twist & Pulse (20/1)! Perhaps Marco prefers higher culture? the theatre perhaps? How about this offering:

Best Of British Variety Tour 2010

Bradford, Clacton, and Wolverhampton are amongst the exciting venues! The show features Paul Daniels, The Krankies, The Grumbleweeds, Syd Little and Dana. Who could ask for more?

One ray of light is the amusing racanteur and bon viveur, Christopher Biggins. The gargantuan ham that is Biggins will hopefully hold the thing together. "As false as Biggin's laugh" is an old saying in hack circles, however CB has never pretended to be anything other a rather wonderful fluffy national treasure. I wonder how he gets on with Paul Daniels' ego.

David Dickinson - A Little Bitch

A little bitch from the BBC, Denise Winterman writes

Once they were the preserve of TV royalty, but now every Tom, Dickinson and Harry has a talk show - antiques expert David Dickinson being the latest.

The jury will be out on Dickinson's success as a host until he gets a few shows under his belt, but just remember not to tweak the contrast on your television - he really is that orange.

I should make clear that I am saying that the BBC is having a bitch, not that Denise is a little bitch (she may be, but I have never heard of her, so I do not know.)

Tom, Dickinson and Harry, oh how drole! "he really is that orange" I think most people know that David has Armenian heritage and has olive skin, and this is a tired, wilted, and vaguely racist jibe. There is poison in her fingers and remarks like this loose their jocular edge and stray into darker grounds when not sweetened with good will.

The article also contains the usual laudatory puff for Michael Parkisnon. Was Parkinson that great? No, he is also a nasty bit of work to boot, a classic bitter Northern hack. The "Parky" moments we are often shown are more a commentary of the times, lack of anything else decent, and very BIG stars. Today celebrity has less grandeur, but is widespread like a rash: celebs today are often just vacuous puppets paraded for our delectation by cynical PR machines. Parkinson had some talent for sure, but, like Bernard Manning in his underpants, he is gone without being missed. Of course you can still catch him during the break - he now sells grave stone insurance (or whatever it is) to the masses.

David Dickinson is NOT a Tom, Dick or Harry, he is really rather a good presenter. The jury is NOT out on his success, David is finding his feet. The lack of good guests makes it even more challenging. I watch to see him and his wonderful kitsch demeanor, the guests are merely a back drop at the moment. Yes, it is cosy teatime telly! but The Duke has promise.

David Dickinson Show

The David Dickinson Show did not disappoint, I thought it would be rubbish and it was. To be honest I had no idea who any of the celeb guests were, the only face I recognised was the Duke's! Seal The Deal was a confusing affair with a predictable ending. The ending was classic Dickinson, wads of cash and a premium rate phone line with an absurdly easy question. The question today was something that must have really tested the minds of geriatric armchair Britain. The Daily Dickinson section was an "ooh missus" style romp and perhaps the most interesting bit. Not sure who the guests offering their insight were at all, although there was a lot of innuendo. The show ended with a rugby player dresses as a woman routine. I absolutely hate Paul O'Grady and this seems to be the inspiration for much of the larks. I like The Duke and wish him well, I hope it gets better.

Russell Grant is at it again. This time he is grafting his services onto the Chelsea Flower Show.

Many items in the Cancerian’s garden will have sentimental value. The bird bath might have been a gift from a grandparent, the pear tree planted to commemorate a birth in the family, the lavender, a reminder of an aunt’s favourite perfume.

Ha! I wonder how he comes up with this rubbish! Paul Burling may not be funny, but Russell Grant is a great source of unintended mirth.

Excellence at last and Paul Burling

A glimpse of the bright future with Twist and Pulse and the dark past with Paul Burling.

Some excellent acts at last! Josh Barry was a good singer for sure and has charisma, is he destined for greatness? Not sure. The really great act of the night was Twist and Pulse, a eccentric dance comic combo. This is a very interesting act and may be the dark horse in the competition; one of the judges (Amanda was it?) sagely noted that this was a glimpse of the future. Exceptional and original, full marks. The judges missed the talent of Alyn James in order to paint him as a depressive, a pity. With a little polish and encouragement Alyn would have made the grade, instead he was fed to the lions for a cheap laugh. The audience are proving to be a real problem this year - hysterical and easily pleased, they add nothing but noise and vulgar displays of emotion.

I liked Mark James' act. His rendition of Rene and Renatta in two halves was witty and rather good, this 'cat' has potential. The dance acts are becoming a blur of amazing choreography all with similar names designed to confuse, so much talent and dedication in this category.

The "it would mean everything" act

So not to disappoint, amongst the excellent acts was a real piece of F grade tripe: The last act of the night was Paul Burling, a cringe makingly desperate "impressionist" Apparently "it would mean everything" if he got to perform in front of Her Majesty The Queen.

Impressionists usually provide a satirical or comic comment with their delivery, Rory Bremmner, Mike Yarwood? Paul Burling reminded me of Spike from Hi-de-Hi, or maybe Mr Partridge aka Whimsical Willie the Juggling Joker. Why, for example, mimic Harry Hill? Hill is himself a satirical pastiche - and what is the entertainment value in a mimic of Olive Oyl and Popeye? None. It might work in a pub, or in a dingy seaside town I suppose.

In providing a mimic of Harry Hill, Burling is the entertainment equivalent of a toxic derivative, and may cause a sharp decline in talent futures. I could do without his sob stories as well, he should join Mr. Patridge at the bar and drown his sorrows.