The Singing Accountant

According to an interview he gave to The Sun, Christopher Stone (The Singing Accountant), was subject to atrocious bullying whilst at school. If this is the case, then it is shameful. But should he be pulling at the nation's heart strings in this manner? Another question altogether. This is a talent show for crying out loud, not a weep fest.

I noted from the article:

Christopher won't name the school he attended in Harrogate, North Yorkshire

Why not? Naming and shaming the establishment might help if the problem still exists.

What do we make of statements like this one (also in the interview)

"My dad is on his pension now so I want to look after him a bit because he sacrificed so much for me. He's my bestest friend."

Bestest friend? He also is trained in baby talk as well as having had singing lessons it seems. All very contrived methinks. Singers need charisma to survive, not sympathy. Beware of The Singing Accountant and his SuBo strategy is my advice, otherwise true talent will not be triumphant in Cowell's circus of human dramas.

Christopher Stone - The SuBo Effect

Christopher Stone, the singing accountant? Does Simon Cowell think we all just arrived on the last melon truck? If this isn't a stage managed attempt to recreate the SuBo effect, then my name's Fred Basset! The parents who pushed the shy little bookish accountant to reveal his talent? The hand wringing? Give me a break! Simon C even stopped proceedings to add that bit of drama! Christopher Stone can sing, but if he had not pulled the "nerdy accountant with his mum" routine, would we have have noticed him? Answer: of course not! There is a story doing the rounds that he owes his papa money:

"He sold a lovely three-bedroom semi with a big garden and moved into a small, two-bedroom flat above an Indian takeaway so I could follow my dream" reports stv.tv.

Well, I hope he likes onion bhajees then, because "The Singing Accountant" 'aint no Susan Boyle.

Gymnast troupe Spellbound were truly amazing, let us hope they do not turn out to be in fact the UK Olympic Gymnast Team posing as a bunch of street kids from "different backgrounds" a la "Fame". I hope not, as these guys provided something really anazing. If this IS raw undiscovered talent then hats off to Cowell. Such an act would do Britain proud on the international stage and would no doubt delight HM The Queen. Good luck to them!

The Arrangement were (and are) total rubbish, and should have been given the boot. This is the kind of stunt which devalues the talent of such acts as Spellbound. Total tripe contrived to look like it was something eccentric and posh, as usual the great unwashed in the audience provided the lifeline so this naff act can continue. Again an attempt at the underdog formula which has proved so profitable in the past.

Mysterious Emails from Outer Space?

Fiction is stranger than truth?

Peter Andre is claiming that he was offered a job as judge of X Factor Australia, sadly he had to turn it down though! "I hate turning down fantastic opportunities" said Mr 6 Pack - "but my children absolutely come first.” Bravo! Perhaps he could become a counsellor on daytime TV fight shows, where "the children come first" mantra is sure to get a big round of applause from the audiences. However, Syco TV, the producers of the show, have claimed via The Daily Star that "Andre has never been offered any role on The X Factor in any country" Oh!

Mysterious? Is it rather like that email that Russell Grant needed to "check out" - validity wise - from Britney Speers a couple of days ago? Did Britney ask the astrologer and global superstar to read her tea leaves or not?

Andre’s spokesman Claire Powell has subsequently insisted Pete had been offered the role. Claire said: “We had an email into our office about three weeks ago" The curious world of emails. My theory is that aliens may be sending emails to major celebs like Russell Grant and Pete, for what purpose we may never know. Or maybe there is another explanation, the truth is out there my friends.

Hitler's Shorts Found in Bavarian Inn

A lost piece of history, Adolf Hitler's unterhosen, have been discovered in a remote inn in Bavaria. The innkepper, Helmut Arschgeige of Der Rote Schwanze Haus in the tiny village of Schwanzedorf, said "We have a lot of interest in this, and many peoples are coming to enjoy a traditional dinner and view the under-shorts. A full plate dinner for two persons is only 25 euro with nice music. A lovely time for all the family awaits" Der Rote Schwanze Haus also has a pair of Goering's nail scissors to interest visitors, and the bar staff sing madrigals at sunset every night.

The unterhosen are the second to be discovered with Hitler's name stitched into the back by his late wife, Frau Eva Hitler. (Hitler married Eva shortly before comitting suicide, although when she was handling his briefs she was not married, a fact that scandalised Berlin society) Experts claim Hitler was paranoid about loosing his underwear, or having them mixed up, during the wash. According to some sources Hitler personally sorted the washing and hung it on the washing line, sometimes seperating his garments from other peoples washing by a noticeable distance. One of the tenets of Nazi philosophy was that all clothes should be washed in a huge machine called a Frauwichser (washer woman) German women would sit on the machine in communal areas to protect the washing from thieves and there are many art works showing this. During the era of Weimar Germany theft from washing lines of ladies apparel was a particular problem and this was therefore second nature to the hausfrau by the time of Hitler's rise to power.

Source: Professor H. Oaks, April 1st 2010

High Shakespeare

Lady reading "The Merchant of Venice" fends off attempted spanking

This weeks Britain's Got Talent (should be Britain has Talent) is a smorgasboard of self concious crap by the looks of it:

High Shakespeare : A gentleman reading Shakespeare whilst spanking a woman, is this suitable for family viewing? I think not! Angry of Mayfair (Kenny Everett's (i) brilliant study would not have approved) Wonder if High Shakespeare will read any lines from Bottom in Midsummer Night's Dream?

(i) See Verity Treacle for Kenny at his best.

Laika : a Collie Labrador who plays the guitar (competition for Tina & Chandi) and a sob story for the tabloids involving a dog and Simon Cowell. Watch out for this in next weeks red tops.
Maxxie : Miss Gaga impersonator, yeah whatever
The Arrangement : Classical singers spouting pop, been been before lovies.

Plus a pig and a horse as well. Simon Cowell's circus is in town, roll up, roll up, so what about the bearded lady? A freak show for telly land on ITV tonight.

Brian Badonde

Who is Brian Badonde? An art critic and the very best creation from the stable of Kayvan Novak aka Facejacker. Whether or not he is based upon the equally wonderful Brian Sewell is not open to question it seems. Brian Badonde's bizzare bombast beggars belief. B++ Bloody brilliant.

Britney Spears involved with "Astrologer Royal"

According to The Sun, the latest mega star to become entangled with Russell Grant is Britney Spears. Really? You decide:

Russell, 59, confirmed: "I got an email from Britney Spears' office. Apparently she wants a reading. I need to check out its validity."

A source told The Sun newspaper: "Britney has asked Russell for readings in the past and really values his advice."

Notes:

1. "I need to check out its validity" - sigh....
2. The Sun says "A source" - I wonder who that might be?

Quiz: What is the word used in common parlance for the excrement of male cows?